Any Emory student who has stepped outside their dorm has seen the giant cockroaches that reside on campus. Some students may even believe that we are safe, and that the cockroaches are merely an annoyance. However, this comforting assumption is not to last. President Sterk issued a warning to all students today to lock their doors at night.
“All students must keep their doors locked at night and ensure that the entrances to their dorm buildings are locked,” President Sterk said. “EPD has seen alarming cockroach activity for the last week. They appear to be mobilizing in great numbers. If the roaches get into your rooms, no one will be able to help you. Those motherfuckers have us by the balls.”
Some students have seen proof that President Sterk is telling the truth. Sophomore Willy Harris reported disturbing activity inside the basement of the biology building. “I was finishing up a lab, and then I heard this awful chittering.” Harris was seen to visibly shudder during his interview. Harris continued, “And then I saw it. There were two massive cockroaches, around six feet long, and what must have been thousands of normal ones around them. Then they all left the building. I followed them out quietly. Moments later, I heard a bloodcurdling scream. When I saw what happened, I screamed. The roaches had eaten a student alive. All that was left was bones. I ran back to my dorm as fast as I could. The last thing I saw was the giant roaches ringing the bells of the clock tower.”
Since that night, students venturing out of their dorms at night have disappeared. EPD fears the worst. Its new police chief, Rus Drew, agreed to sit down for an interview with the Spoke.
The Spoke: Congratulations on your new position, Chief Drew. What do you advise students to do about Emory’s roach situation?
Rus Drew: Thank you, it’s great to be here. Sort of. To answer your question, there’s really nothing students can do. We’re in full-on Roachpocalypse mode here.
TS: Chief, what is a Roachpocalypse?
RD: It’s a roach-induced apocalypse. Jeez, I thought you people were supposed to be smart. You won’t survive the roaches if you’re this fucking stupid.
TS: Glossing over that, why is the roach situation so bad? What are they doing?
RD: The roaches are experimenting on themselves at the bottom of the biology building, trying to create super-roaches. Think Captain America, but as a roach.
TS: So does the roach carry a shield or something? What the hell is a super-roach?
RD: It’s a six-foot long roach with mandibles strong enough to crush steel, the ability to fly at supersonic speeds, and the ability to telepathically summon normal roaches to do its bidding. There are already two of them. You guys have no idea how badly you’re fucked right now.
TS: Does your department have a plan to fight the roaches? Is there anything at all that students can do?
RD: Nope. We’re buying a boat and sailing out to the middle of the Atlantic so the roaches can’t get us. As for what you schmucks can do, just lock your doors at night. That might give you enough time to get out of the window before they bust in. I give Emory about two weeks before the roaches completely take over. Have fun being a roach’s bitch.
We here at the Spoke advise our fellow students to heed President Sterk and Chief Drew’s warnings. Remember, we are safe in the day for now, but the roaches rule the night. We also advise students to get their affairs in order. If Chief Drew is to be believed, there isn’t much time before the roaches take over completely ARGHHH THE ROACHES ARE HEERE TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEMERMWFKSLBDFLKSRB LEUHR LKSDBFLKSJFDBzkra;ruz tblzbvflzbl
*Editor’s note- this article was found next to a pile of human remains, DNA identified as the remains of Spoke writer Randolph Cockburn. You’re next. FEAR THE ROACHES.