Orientation Leader Gives Tour of Best Places to Breakdown in Tears

Rachel giving her group some pointers.
Rachel giving her group some pointers.

ATLANTA, GA: Sweating in the Atlanta sun, Orientation Leader Rachel Bailey could not be happier with her orientation group and simply cannot stop smiling!

“They are a great group of kids,” Rachel said.

As she led her group of freshmen across campus to attend orientation activities, Rachel helpfully pointed out the best places to have a mental breakdown.

“It’s my duty as an OL to ease new students into the anxiety-riddled life of overcommitment and overachievement necessary to  take full advantage of your time at Emory University,” Rachel explained.

As the group strolled into Woodruff Library, Rachel cheerfully recommended the bathroom in the back of the library as a good place to succumb to despair.

“Don’t study in the basement of the library without bringing headphones, because you’ll never get anything done. And, by the way, if you ever feel like you’re going to explode into tears of irritation because your professor answers the email you spent thirty minutes writing with a one sentence reply to only one of your ten questions about an upcoming exam, the bathroom in the back is the best,” Rachel encourages.

As they walk out of the library to go to lunch and pass several residence halls, Rachel went on advising her freshman on places to weep defeatedly.

“It’s important to make an effort to get to know your roommate early on in the semester, guys,” Rachel recommended. “It gets so busy later on it’s difficult to find time to bond, and when she walks into your room and finds you facedown on your bed, sobbing, it could be a little awkward, but you’ll feel relieved, exhausted, vaguely congested and a hundred times better than before.”

In an attempt to divert the conversation, freshman Jessica commented that her roommate Kelly is an international student.

“I hope we can get past that and be friends, though,” Jessica offered.

Still smiling and unfazed, Rachel continued. “You’ll probably have to move your meltdowns to the shower stall unfortunately, Jessica.  Hopefully you won’t have to sit on a clump of 200 girls’ hair that’s stuck in the drain while in the fetal position, though!”

After lunch, Rachel’s bright disposition carried the group past the now defunct Freshman quad and toward the shrinking Greek Row to get to the bookstore.

“You guys are going to love your classes!” Rachel gushed, skipping down Eagle Row, “I’m so excited for the semester to begin! If you guys haven’t already bought your textbooks, I recommend buying them from older friends or Amazon before going to the bookstore. And by the way, while we are here, I just wanted to mention that the worst place to have a meltdown on campus is in a fraternity bathroom.”

“Those two things had literally nothing to do with each other,” Jessica reportedly whispered under her breath.

“Guys, I know I’m supposed to be a good example, but there are going be some nights you can’t stop throwing up, or you can’t stop crying because you’re throwing up, or your friend can’t stop vomiting on your shoes. You’re drunk, disoriented, and someone just grabbed your hip and you don’t know if it was that creepy guy who stared you down from across the room earlier or your roommate. It might be super tempting, but don’t cry in the bathroom. Mascara will run down your chin so you’ll look like a skunk with a cold, and your snot will land right on top of your vomit-covered shoes. You’ll miss your parents, your dog, and your siblings, and just want to go home,” Rachel warned her students.

Oddly, at the moment Rachel concluded her advice, her entire orientation group reportedly asked to go to the bathroom.  

“College is a terrifying place,” Jessica whimpered.

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