As all middle schoolers with a pulse, slime content creators, and OnlyFans hopefuls know, TikTok has found itself short on time in the United States. However, under the leadership of a man who flip-flops more on the issue than that fish you caught and mercilessly watched squirm until it died on that weird fishing trip with your stepdad (we remember), the app’s lifespan was just extended by 75 days. Reader, find no hope in this. Whether you like it or not, the end times for the TikTok you know are likely nigh. Rather than doom scroll until TikTok’s demise or learn Mandarin to comment “raw, next question” on Xiaohongshu, I implore you to plunge yourself into a rich legacy of American exceptionalism and make a simple switch. Let’s keep American data in American hands: Be a patriot, use Instagram Reels.
What are we protecting you may ask? Standstill traffic on a seven-lane interstate. Gatorade with Red Dye 40 and 110% of your daily sugar. Baseball, billionaires, biting down on a bacon cheeseburger. All of these things are exclusively American and every other country is super jealous of that. When we unabashedly lick the boots of our adversaries and hand them our data, we risk these freedoms and place both feet on the edge of the cliff we call communism. Even worse, we risk the safety of this country that we hold so dear. Fact: with every real-or-cake video you like on TikTok, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) gains information like your home address, what movie was playing when you lost your virginity, which of your friends you secretly hate, and how many house plants you killed this past year. Using this information, it is not just likely but definite that China will be able to nuke you and every person you have ever loved.
Luckily, there is still hope. By switching over to Instagram Reels, you can get a slightly worse dopamine fix without the Red Scare implications. This one individual action will leave the CCP completely in the dark on the weak points of America, destroying any Chinese efforts to overthrow the US government. Plus, Instagram’s Supreme Leader Mark Zuckerberg’s new “gangster tech bro” fashion aesthetic proves that he is a whole new and mentally stable guy now. He is past his days of allowing for billions of fake accounts, user data leaks, poor password encryption, dissemination of hate speech, and election interference on his platforms.
Reader, the answer is obvious. Choose patriotism by suckling from the brain rot teat that also forces you to follow POTUS. Exercise your constitutional right to fly your freak flag high on the ever-permanent internet – just do it on an American platform. 
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