This year’s overlap of Homecoming Week and Parents’ Weekend allows for a once in a lifetime (or possibly twice, thrice, or four times in a lifetime depending on your year and Emory’s future crossover endeavors) event: pregaming Homecoming with your parents.
In honor of this momentous occasion, here is an ever-so-kindly assembled guide on how to properly commence with the parental pregame.
The first step must be to analyze possible variables between parent types. If your parents are diehard purists with no sense of enjoyment in life aside from your undeveloped future success in the B-school, most of these situations may not apply to you. If you actually have parents who are “funky” and “with it,” then these tips will ensure maximum results in getting fucked-up with your father and being a bro with your birth-giver. Not sure what type applies to your parents? Ask them if they have ever “flipped a digit on a slope.” If they go along with this nonsensical slang and try to relate, you have Type B parents. If you get punished for doing such a sin, you have Type A parents—that means give up on this guide because you’re fucked.
Practice taking shots so you don’t have “shot face” and get called a pussy
Seeing as your parents have years of drinking experience over you (I mean, you were probably born because of alcohol), you’ve got to prepare for their arrival by eliminating your “shot face.” For those mediocre ignoramuses who do not know what a shot face is, you need this tip more than the average person. “Shot face” is that squinty-eyed and thoroughly disgusted look when your mouth, eyes, and nose feel a strong impulse to squeeze towards the center of your face and become as little as possible. Studies show that the intensity of this squeeze mimics your levels of self-worth. If your shot face is substandard, there is a greater likelihood of being declared a pussy by either your mother or father. After this, your shot face will likely get even worse.
Prepare jello shots and/or homemade alcohol slushies
Show your parents that you think ahead and are always on top of your shit by making alcoholic beverages that obviously take forethought and planning skills. This will give you a chance to impress your parents and show them you are a competent human being, especially if you have struggled with that in the past. Show Mom and Dad that you’re worth more than that one time you wanted to make soup, accidentally put a tin can in the microwave, and almost burned down the house.
Start getting drunk on Thursday night
Starting the week drunk will lead your parents to see you drinking a little less than you probably would have if you had not started prepping by Thursday night. The less they see you drink, the more likely they are to be oblivious to your crippling alcoholism, which is normalized in college culture, don’t worry. Side effect: may get called a disgraceful lightweight by your father. Most sources report preferring the insult over the alternative of being pulled from school and sent to AA.
Tell your parents Post Malone is actually a way bigger deal than his actual status
Convince your parents that literally every student knew about Post Malone and begged for him to come to campus. This will ease your parents’ concern that their hard earned money is going to a performer that their child actually knows and loves. If they know the truth of your unfamiliarity of Post Malone, they may regret sending you to a private institution. If you cannot convince them of your undying love for Post Malone, try convincing them that he is the third of a series of performers, including Pre Malone and Present Malone.
Pretend you ran out of alcohol so your parents stock you up for the rest of the year
Here is where the years of lying and deception will come in handy — convince your parents that you ran out of alcohol and insist of them supplying more for your “friends” too. Studies show peak alcohol receival comes when you hide all your alcohol except one bottle, finish said bottle in front of your parents, and say, “Aw shucks, I’m out of alcohol!”
Hopefully these tips will give your parents a sense that you are overcoming your mediocrity at college.