Dean Ajay Nair took to Facebook this afternoon to announce that he will be leaving Emory University to become the President of Arcadia University this April. At 12:10, the time of the announcement, reports show that the entire university fell silent, except for the a lone mummy in the Carlos Museum, who rose from his display, saying, “What the fuck, Ajay?”
Motivated by similar sentiments across campus, Lucia Maseus and Rohit Darenapen have taken steps to fix this situation. “We saw ourselves presented with only two options,” Maseus explains, “We could either study for finals or we could try to keep Dean Nair. There was no way we were going to study, so the choice was basically made for us.”
Maseus and Darenapen have staked a location in Asbury Circle to petition for Emory University to annex Arcadia University so that Dean Nair can remain as a member of the dysfunctional Emory family. Darenapen argues that Emory has already proven this as a viable option. “We bought a shit ton of abandoned land in downtown Atlanta to officially be part of the city we’ve always claimed to be a part of. Why can’t we do the same with Arcadia? I mean, it can be like a second Oxford.”
Darenapen has a strong argument, and the student body is being convinced by it. The duo already has collected 586 signatures, 27 free condoms from the Office of Health Promotion, and a Nana G’s rewards card with three holes punched out of ten. The shower of support and gifts indicates that students truly believe in the cause for which Maseus and Darenapen petition.
Dean Nair has not yet replied to The Spoke’s request for a comment, but analysts predict that if he did comment, it would have been sweet, funny, smart, and probably would have made the Emory community swoon.