Libraries Overflow Before Emory Shutdown
The frosty second coming approaching, students have flocked to Woodruff library to get some last minute studying done. Emory librarians have been caught off guard by the sudden influx of students, and with the stacks already filled emergency study circles are now forming in the MARBL reading room.
“Now that classes are canceled, I think I speak for everyone when I say I am terrified I will get behind,” languished one exasperated psych student.
Swarms of freshmen were left waiting in the stairwells and elevators for hours, and many of them had to leave their backpacks to grab a coffee. The situation quickly spiraled out of control, and before Chief Archivist John Bence was able to enact martial law one sophomore was rushed to Emory Hospital after being knocked unconscious by a copy of Patty Griffith’s “Civil War Tactics.” When asked why the library was not better prepared, President James Wagner was unavailable for an interview. However, his office did release the following statement:
“A number of people have raised question regarding the emergency preparedness of our community. Certainly, I do not consider snow anything but an inhuman, unfeeling, and terrifying force of evil in this Methodist/Religiously Unaffiliated/Vaguely Something Affiliated community. It is the goal of Emory University to provide its students with the support they need to become contributing members of the alumni community. Please stay warm and safe through the coming days and refrain from ruining my front lawn with sleds made of stolen lunch trays. Instead, feel free to join me in my home for a fireside chat on leadership ethics.”
Several student groups have taken turned this unfortunate situation into a resume-building opportunity by providing notebooks and pencils to stranded students. The Emory Scholars community has been particularly active in the rebuilding process. “The library belongs to all of us, and we must help each other through this crisis. Our hearts go out to the members of Delta Phi and their fallen sister. In the coming days, it will be important for students to come reclaim their belongings and return to their videogames.”