- The Kitchen: Now known as the Dobbs Distancing Table, or the DDT. Dangerous chemical who? Now, this fun abbreviation refers to your chicken repository away from school, minus the angry old man that shoos you away from the gluten free section. For bonus points, block off the section of the kitchen where the blender is, and pay it 12 Homey Dollars (almost like Dooley Dollars because they’re tax free) to whip yourself up a liquidy smoothie.
- The Living Room: But for your purposes, let’s call it the Emory Sitting Center. Spending a night cramming in the ESC never looked so dreadful! Simulate your standard ESC experience by sitting next to your dad as he watches bad action movies and/or the History channel (depending on where he exists on the spectrum of Dad-ness) and shooting him evil glares meant to communicate: “Shut the fuck up I’m trying to work here.” For bonus points, sit in the hallway and complain about how there are no outlets near you.
- Your Bedroom: Otherwise known as Scaremont. Simulate the tight confines of your elastic-y, plastic-y Emory-issued twin bed, by swaddling yourself tightly in a blanket burrito like a large baby. But before you restrict your limb motion in a way that may prove fatal, be sure to change all the light bulbs in your room to max-power fluorescent bulbs, so you can wake up, glance in the mirror, and become intimately acquainted with every pore on your face.
- Your Sibling’s Room: Missing social interaction? Head over to your next door neighbor’s room for a chat! The next time someone asks you how you know your sibling, just say: “Oh, we lived on the same floor of Scaremont senior year.” And if you’re lucky enough to be bunking it in the same room, congratulations! Now, you’re both roommates in Complex, because that’s going to be how you describe your relationship to strangers by the time fall rolls around.
- The Bathroom: Ah, the Communal Fest Room. You may be missing the adrenaline inducing fear that comes with trying to squeeze one out without being heard in a large echoey room filled with people who are also embarking on various bodily functions; don’t fret! This is an easily simulatable experience! Slap on some flip-flops and invite your family members to shower with you to get your daily dose of the uncomfortable.
- Next to the WiFi Router: The Faux (pronounced “fox”) Computing Center. Now, as you copy your 56 number-letter combination password from the back of your family router, you can shake your fist at the ceiling, cursing the poor connection. I don’t know what your WiFi is called, so let’s just give it a generic, totally random name like “EmoryUnplugged.”
How to Rename Every Room in Your House So You Still Feel Like You’re at Emory
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