According to Emory EMS, a choking incident in the DUCling last week turned into a disaster, courtesy of a group of cocky pre-meds. Eyewitnesses recall someone attempting CPR before giving up and putting the choking victim on their side in the unconscious drunk person position because they “got tired and it wasn’t worth it.” Meanwhile, another person shined their iPhone flashlight into the victim’s eyes and reassured everyone that their pupils were responsive. Someone else yelled, “It’s a beautiful day to save lives. TEN BLADE,” and lunged for a butter knife.
Fortunately, bystander Jenna Franklin leapt into action, gave a few back blows, and successfully saved the person who was choking amidst a cringey attempt at a parody of Grey’s Anatomy. When interrogated by the horde of pre-meds about her academic record and which medical school she was going to apply to, Franklin looked really confused and said, “I’m just a Latin major who knows basic first aid.”
Our reporters also asked why no one simply called for help, to which Emory’s very own Derek Shepherd replied, “My GPA and extracurriculars are shit. I gotta do something to boost my resume. At least now I can say I got volunteer clinical hours and an E for Effort in How to Be a Badass Lifesaver 101,” followed by a dab and nervous laughter as he awkwardly shuffled away.
At press time, the Classics department was overrun with pre-meds, including Derek Shepherd, switching to Latin majors to “stand out from the crowd.”
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