Hoping to enjoy Dooley’s Week, Emory students amassed at the SPC’s events, nicknamed “Camp Dooley.” However, instead of the usual activities like cornhole and free food, terror reigned due to the SPC’s unrelenting determination to be “realistic.”
“We really wanted to transport Emory students into the world of camping,” said an anonymous SPC member. “It’s super quaint and cute to rough it in the great outdoors! I haven’t actually gone camping before, but I have made s’mores, which is kinda the same thing, right?”
One of the first events to go wrong was the petting zoo. Emory students rushed toward McDonough Field, hoping to cuddle baby goats, rabbits, and cows. However, farm animals were deemed “inaccurate to the setting” by SPC. Instead, they brought in raccoons, moose, and a grizzly bear.
Luckily, one of our reporters was on the scene, interviewing students. We have pulled a transcript from that recording:
STUDENT: Help me! Oh, God, it’s loose!
REPORTER: What’s loose?
STUDENT: The bear! The bear! It ripped off my friend’s fucking leg– it’s heading here!
REPORTER: So, are you enjoying Camp Dooley?
STUDENT: I think it just ate a freshman–
REPORTER: Are you excited for Kevin Gates to open the concert?
STUDENT: Oh shit!
Unfortunately, the rest of the recording was indecipherable due to shrill screams and roaring sounds. The Spoke has yet to hear back from our on-scene reporter.
Other activities included the crossbow hunting competition. The prize for winning was anything that participants were able to kill. While some students were able to take home deer from Lullwater, others found the activity less pleasurable.
“There is an arrow in my shoulder,” said a sophomore. “I am in immense pain.”
Additionally, porta potties were scrapped in favor of bushes and pit toilets. SPC members dug holes next to the field shrubbery so campgoers could peacefully do their business. For those who needed to wipe, cabbage leaves were provided.
“This is almost as unsanitary as the bathrooms in libs,” a pre-med said. “Do we think this is going to cause a cholera outbreak?”
Overall, the week was a resounding success, with only 12 dead and 30 injured. Students have expressed a combination of apprehension and excitement for next year’s theme.
“Next year is Dooley’s Medieval Europe!” an SPC member announced at the closing event, pulling out a trebuchet that accidentally snapped, releasing a boulder that crushed two students. “Huzzah!”
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