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The “New” Beta

Following the loss of their on campus house last semester, the brothers of the Beta Theta Pi fraternity have undertaken a rebranding campaign to improve their standing with Emory’s administration, sources reported.


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“We came to realize that our American Pie-inspired lifestyle choices were not only impractical in terms of academic focus, but also simply unsustainable in the long term,” stated chapter president Gregory Moyes, as he stuffed a cold slice of Domino’s pizza from the previous night into his mouth. “We have to look to what will make us healthier, more well-rounded individuals who can contribute to our community,” he added through a mouthful of cheesy fat and sodium.

Indeed, community involvement has never been more central to organizations wishing to remain relevant on campus, and so the newly revamped brothers of Beta have been taking every opportunity to start new initiatives connecting those within Greek life to those without. One brother, Jake Garfield, spoke with the Spoke about his project.

“So my program’s called Freshman Phaze, and the whole point is to make newcomers to Emory University right away feel at home and like they’re part of the community. The best part is, they don’t even have to sign up! My brothers and I proactively look for opportunities to get involved with incoming students and maybe mentor them a little, help them find their footing. Whether that means stealing their notes right before a presentation or waking them up at 3:00am on a school night to pour vodka down their throats, we’re willing to make the effort to be there for them.”

The brothers have not only reworked their approach to on campus work, but have refined their own interests as well, many purportedly taking up reading, though some experts doubt the feasibility of this activity to catch on owing to the fraternity’s historically low literacy rates.

“I read all the time now,” said college junior and Beta brother Zach Southerton. “I’m actually just finishing up Guns, Germs, and Steel, which was quite an interesting read. The obvious takeaway there is to stockpile as many guns as you can, and boy, did we have firepower in the old Beta house! We had to move it all to an off campus armory, of course, which isn’t quite the same, sadly. Anyway, I also learned, through my readings on colonialism, that it’s important to believe you’re better than everyone else and to force your beliefs and culture on them, which is why I’m such a fan of Jake’s ‘Haze a Freshman’ initiative, or whatever he’s calling it.”

At press time, university administrators are totally buying Beta’s clean up act.

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