Emory senior Zach O’Connor confirmed yesterday that he plans to start his final year of college off strongly before collapsing into a state of crushing apathy. O’Connor has reportedly already purchased all of his books, even the ones not yet used for class assignments, and has kept perfect attendance for all of his classes thus far to guarantee his inevitable decline will be as tragic as possible.
“I’m feeling great,” O’Connor told The Spoke, “My classes are all interesting and I have enough free time to really get involved on campus this year.”
“If everything goes according to plan, I expect to break down into a hopeless shell of my former self by mid-October,” he continued.
In just the first few weeks of the semester, O’Connor has already joined the Wonderful Wednesday staff, led a Volunteer Emory service trip, and started writing regular editorial columns for the Emory Wheel.
“If I had to guess, I think that he’s two midterms and a late-night Zaya meal away from losing all sense of purpose in life,” said Professor Jane Erwin, O’Connor’s professor for Econ 331. “But for now, he’s doing great work and he participates more than anyone else.”
“I’ll miss that,” she continued.
Experts disagree as to the projected reason for his impending ruination. Some claim that the turning point will be the moment he realizes he has limited job prospects and solemnly resolves himself to join the Emory admissions department. Others expect that O’Connor to have a nihilistic epiphany after eagerly joining the Philosophy Club. Yet others imagine he will lose all purpose after his description of a Pawsitive Outreach event is rejected for publication in the Wheel for being too controversial. Still, experts agree on one thing.
“He’s fucked,” said one CDC researcher. “And Sallie Mae is enjoying every last second of his mounting student loan debt.”
At press time, O’Connor tweeted a photograph of himself standing precariously on a table at Maggie’s Neighborhood Bar & Grill with the caption “Senior yearr live it up!! N o regrets”