Emory Administration Introduces “Dontley,” a Flesh-Based Mascot Who Serves as a Warning

We all know Dooley, the oddball mascot of Emory. The beloved skeleton rests at the edge of Asbury circle, forever watching over students as they come and go. Students and secret societies alike adore Dooley, joining each year in an SPC-led celebration: Dooley’s Week. We love Dooley.

However in today’s deeply divided and unprecedented times, is the amity around Dooley enough to keep the school together? Campus administration doesn’t seem to think so. It seems as if now, more than ever, what we need isn’t a figure to unite around, but a common enemy: Dontley.

While Dooley is a collection of bones representing the past and present presidents of Emory, Dontley is but skin, symbolizing the failed students of the university. “Dooley is great. We love Dooley,” the administration began in their official release. “But Dontley… Dontley is not who we want at Emory. Dontley violates the community compact. He drinks underage. He has extension cords in his room,” the announcement concluded, making sure to include the signature slogan: Don’t be Dontley. Do be Dooley.

As construction of the Dontley statue begins opposite Dooley on Asbury Circle, we’ve surveyed several students about the addition of the new mascot. Currently, student reception is overwhelmingly negative, which to President Fenves and the Emory administration, is positive.

“Dontley sucks so hard. I hate Dontley,” a junior Business student answered. “I was gonna put candles in my room and make it smell all nice, but the last thing I’d want to do is be a Dontley. I’d rather have a stinky smelly room than be like that worthless sack of skin.” The student stormed off after the interview.

So far the administration has considered this unveiling to be a success. Since the announcement of Dontley, RAs have reported less incidents of drug use and quiet-hour violations in the residence halls. Students seem afraid to be associated with Dontley. Test scores have gone up and ambulance visits to the Raoul circle have gone down.

As a mark of the mascot’s success, a new secret society, Dontcemus, has sprung up and begun to rally around Dontley. Their first attempt at a Dontley-Suit was a bit rushed, resulting in one member donning a clothesless Peter Griffin costume. Naked Peter Griffin wandered around campus, and in true Dontley fashion successfully disbanded several campus tours of prospective students.

The current Dontley costume is similar to a Chinese New Year’s Dragon, consisting of Emory’s shorter students under a flesh-colored tarp. Although there are no eye or arm holes for the constant tripping over the trash, students, and cats they engulf along the way, Dontcemus believes that the total disregard for student safety is in the spirit of Dontley. The secret society is experimenting with a slime mechanic to give it a snail-like trail of skin juice.

Despite trails prototypic Dontley goop on campus, the Emory administration is proud of their execution. We had to ask, however, what is the future of Dontley? “Well, we’re not quite sure yet,” an official replied. “We’ve been playing around with a ‘Dontley Day,’ complimentary to Dooley’s Week, which would basically be the purge… but we’re not married to the idea quite yet”.

Whatever happens, Fenves and the university seem happy with the progress that was made. “I’m excited for the statue to complete progress next month,” the official continued. “I hope people egg it.” Until then, remember: Don’t be Dontley. Do be Dooley.