Last night, Emory College held its yearly “Cookies, Coffee, and Care:” an unsuccessful program that brings professors into first-year dorms to try to salvage their ratemyprofessor.com ratings before the semester ends. Emory college has decided to double-down on the initiative, with an expansion session tonight in upperclassman housing–Woodruff, Harris, Fevans, and Clairmont–titled “Protection, Pot, and Pie.”
“What students need is to incorporate academics into every aspect of their life,” Dean Nancy Masossi explains. “We can talk about the negative effects of marijuana or about how hormone impulses resulting from orgasming and defecating are identical. But when students leave the classroom, they don’t think about it anymore. We want to change that.”
The program is designed to bring condoms, eighths of marijuana, and pie to upperclassmen students in their rooms. Masossi continues, “Now, students will think about courses and academics while engaging in all their vices.”
“What the fuck,” comments Jake Nance, a junior currently living in the CRC at Clairmont.
Max Bain responds by turning the program against the professors. “Joke’s on them. I don’t have sex, I only masturbate and I don’t need a condom for that. I don’t need one because I know the sexual history… of my right hand! BOOM. Got ’em.” When followed up about the marijuana aspect of the program, Bain was stumped as to how to counter that.
Professors are excited by the idea. Dr. Susan Barnes, an English professor, says “I can’t wait to sit down with students, smoke a jay, maybe rip a bong, possibly snort a line, maybe inject pure adrenaline into my heart. I want them to see me as more than just a professor. I want them to see me as a professor crippled by drug addictions.”
Dr. Matthew Isaacson of the Neuroscience Department explains, “I just want the girls out there to be safe when having sex. I know many guys here at Emory want to make love to the lovely ladies I see on campus, and they need to be protected. If they happen to want to use one of those condoms with me, well I mean, I signed up to teach. I swore to do so, therefore I must; I must teach whenever I can and on whatever I can.”
When confronted about how awful that comment was by his students, who all just withdrew from his class, Dr. Isaacson said, “Woah no I didn’t mean to come off that way at all! I would also be willing to have sex with guys. I don’t mind. They can learn some stuff from me too.”
At press time, a disgruntled student from the crowd said, “What about the pie?! Why the fuck didn’t you talk about the pie?” Dean Masossi told the student that he clearly needs the weed and definitely doesn’t need the condom.