“Hey, it’s Swoop. Swoop the Eagle. Don’t adjust your… whatever device you’re hearing this on. It’s me, live and in stereo. No return engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely no requests. Get some Blue Donkey. Settle in. Because I’m about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you’re listening to this tape, you’re one of the reasons why.”
On Monday September 13th, the Emory community was disappointed yet completely unsurprised when US News & World Report announced that Emory University would be ranked, yet again, as the 21st University/College in the nation. The crushing reality that Emory would be forever mediocre hit hard for many in the Emory community, but none more so than Emory’s official mascot: Swoop the Eagle. Tuesday morning, Swoop’s jersey as well as a couple of his feathers were found at the bank of the lake in Lullwater Park. Also there: a case with 21 cassette tapes inside. Based on the contents of these tapes, it is clear that Swoop took his own life.
Maybe Swoop couldn’t take the pressure. Maybe he did it because it would make us seem more like Cornell or other suicide-prone Ivys. Regardless of the larger reason, Swoop provided a specific blame, trigger, person, etc. for his actions with each of his tapes. The Spoke got first access to these tapes, and there are certainly some highlights:
Tape 1: “SPC: you insufferable little shits. The Migos fuck up was enough to make me drink bleach right then and there. But, I had hope that maybe, one day, you could recover and become once again loved by the student body. Wrong. Every one of your pathetic events and tacky themes is more disappointing than the next. Plus, you smell disgusting. I want my wet, dead body to be put on the first float of your little homecoming parade.”
Tape 9: “I considered ending my life by downing half the punch bowl at the SigChi house and then asking an ATO what kind of music they like to lull me into a coma and eventual death. But I would hate for the frats of Emory to think they are the sole reason I did what I did. So now, you’re just 1/21 of the reason.”
Tape: 17: “Every single Kaldi’s Ambassador disgusts me. I think you are all compensating for the fact that your big idea to be instagram famous never took off. My biggest regret is that I die before you, so that I cannot post a picture of a cute latte art with your dead, rotting body in the background.”
Tape 21: “Jan. Jan Love. My Provost. You shouldn’t be here. You were always too good to me. But when I needed you most, when I needed you to make sense of the pain that I felt, there was no email in my inbox. I hope that one day, Emory can live up to the standards you set for us. If we did, we’d be 1st in the nation.”
Clearly, Swoop had some anger and old grudges to get out of his system for departing us. There has been no statement from either Greg Fenves nor Dooley regarding the tapes or the naming of an interim mascot. The complete list of the tapes and what they are dedicated to can be found below. Hopefully, we can honor Swoop’s memory by cleansing ourselves of our sins and rising through the ranks to become a Top 20 institution.
Tape 1: SPC
Tape 2: Emory Juice
Tape 3: Post-Twisted Taco Indigestion
Tape 4: The Barkley Forum
Tape 5: Skateboarding Around Campus
Tape 6: AKPsi
Tape 7: People Thinking that Tongue and Groove is Fun
Tape 8: Emory Mock Trial
Tape 9: Emory Frats
Tape 10: SigChi (for good measure)
Tape 11: Queerbaiting Philosophy Majors
Tape 12: Visiting Professors from Georgia State
Tape 13: Greg Fenves
Tape 14: The Honey Stand at the Farmer’s Market
Tape 15: Emory Putting Masks on Statues
Tape 16: British International Students
Tape 17: Kaldi’s Ambassadors
Tape 18: Dooley
Tape 19: Off-Pitch A Cappella Groups (so all of them)
Tape 20: The Wheel
Tape 21: Jan Love
Be First to Comment