Crime Report April 25, 2017

fresh-princeOn April 15 at 1:09 a.m., EPD responded to a call regarding a non-forcible entry burglary on the first floor of Alabama Hall. An Emory student told officers that someone broke into his room and stole a denim jacket and two shirts. The clothing items, from “END,” are valued at $1,180 total. EPD promised to investigate why the hell he spent that much on clothes. The case has been assigned to an investigator.

On April 17 at 4 PM, a dysfunctional pair of EPD officers were given 24 hours to solve the “Big Case” of locating Emory junior Travis Sloughsky’s wallet. After being asked to turn in their guns and badges the next day, the two officers finally learned to work together and obtained Travis’s wallet after a shoot-out at the ZBT house.

On April 19 at 2:48 AM, EPD responded to a call regarding a male under the influence of alcohol at Complex Hall. Emory Emergency Medical Services (EEMS), DeKalb Fire and Rescue and DeKalb American Medical Response (AMR) also arrived on the scene. The patient, slurring his words as he spoke between bouts of vomiting, explained that he was not drunk. Reassured, EPD and emergency services left without another word.

On April 21 at 11:55 PM, EPD responded to a call regarding assault and battery at 10 Eagle Row, the Pi Kappa Alpha (Pike) fraternity house. The brothers of Pike reported that they had been shooting some b-ball when a couple guys from Kappa Sigma, who were up to no good, started making trouble in their neighborhood. Although it was one little fight, EPD got scared. Campus life reports that Pike has now moved in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

On April 22 at 9:07 PM, EPD responded to a call regarding a disturbance at Dobbs Hall. When EPD arrived, they discovered a first-year student chained to the bike rack with a note that simply said “Never steal from the shared fridge. Res Life.” EPD is investigating this new vigilante.

On April 23 at 6:00 PM, EPD responded to a noise complaint at Alabama Hall. Residents explained that one resident had left the door open and had been observed listening to Tibetan throat singing while watching anime and smearing chocolate syrup on the walls. EPD tearfully explained for the fourth time that week that this behavior was not a crime and left the resident to his depravity as they reflected on how every day we move further from the light.

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