Browse By

Brave clown cop prevents purge

Tensions are running high as the public frets over rumors of a Halloween purge led by the killer clowns stirring up trouble nationwide. In order to investigate the claim of the potential purge tonight, the Barnum & Bailey Clown College is working with the Atlanta Police Department to infiltrate the clown community and obtain critical information regarding the proposed crimes. The 2016 Barnum & Bailey valedictorian (and Emory alum), Chuckles McFunkerston, was selected to go undercover the past week and assimilate into clown clique.

“McFunkerston is by far the best clown for the job,” says Barnum & Bailey Prop Master and absurdity professor, Bobo Britches. “After graduating from Emory with a degree in art history, and then Barnum & Bailey with honors in buffoonery and liquid squirting, he was the most capable of his class.”

The following account was taken from the reports obtained from McFunkerston over the course of his investigation and has only recently been deemed public information.

Day 1: There is a sort of entrance exam to be accepted as one of them. You have to prove your allegiance to the leader, Twinkle Sterkiggles, sacrificing your own handkerchiefs and adding them to your leader’s chain, tattooing the underside of your red nose, and removing your wig in front of the group. The leaders confiscated our horns when I entered with the other initiates. Looking around, it seemed that I was one of the only legitimate the clowns. The others looked too young to be professionals. In fact, several seemed to resemble Emory students.

   Day 2: I seem to have earned my spot. This morning one of the goofiest members lent me his white face paint, a sign of major respect within the clowmmunity. We spent much of the day in the park playing with children, instructed to appear only friendly and dispel any concern or fear of dangerous killer clowns. It was a fun day until I forgot I was without my horn and had to make honking noises myself. One mother seemed particularly offended, although my noisemaking had nothing to do with her honkers.

Day 3: We began purge training. I have confirmed that the clowmmunity is out for blood, and not the fake kind. Today we were given new props fit with weapons which are easily concealed in our clownwear. My flower squirter is filled with hydrofluoric acid (which is especially alarming considering one wrong squirt and I could be corroding my limbs off). There are razor blades fashioned to the bottoms of my clown shoes, and my clumsy nature is making me sweat.

We were instructed this afternoon to hide in the woods with our weapons concealed. I fiddled with the knives stuffed into my bloomers until I heard the signal. On the honking of the tricycle horn (a very distinct sound in the clown industry) we were to charge the playground in an attempt to simulate the attacks to come on Monday. That shiz sure was wacky. I kept tripping over my clown shoes and with my pants billowing in the wind I could hardly get a handle on the knives stuffed down my pants. I was just left fiddling around with my hands between my legs and the other clowns were giving me weird looks behind their painted grins.

Let it be known that the clown purge is real, but it won’t take much to stop the attacks. On behalf of McFunkerston and the Atlanta Police department, citizens are encouraged to rig their yards with trip wire to catch the big-shoed criminals and to flee from any flora or fauna puppetry that seems to have squirting potential.

It has been rumored that President Sterk has banned trick-or-treating at the Lullwater mansion due to some involvement in the clown Community throughout Druid Hills. These claims however, have not been proven.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *