University Administrators Frantically Search Security Footage For Bad Opinions

An opinion expert sniffs out  the thoughts of ne'er-do-wells
An opinion expert looking for the thoughts of ne’er-do-wells

In response to a group of concerned students upset with chalk that expressed support for the popular Republican candidate Donald Trump, the university vowed to track down the perpetrators, and everyone else who might have previously shared a maladjusted, terse or controversial political statement.

Early reports show that many Emory students have been caught on camera expressing wildly erroneous and violent opinions that may be as dangerous as “Hot dogs are sandwiches” and “The Wire is not the greatest show ever made.” Conduct hearings are expected to rapidly proceed, thanks to an SGA fund that provides support to marginalized students in times of need, which will all go to creating SafeSpeechBot5000, a friendly and sustainable robot who will patrol campus and scan the pupils of students for potential threatening opinions.

Emory has also ordered its best and brightest student affairs bureaucrats to closely examine camera footage of students expressing thoughts that are not aligned with a select group of protestors.

“I always wanted to make a difference” assistant dean of Campus Life Harlan Kaufmann said. “And now, by shutting down political discourse, I finally have.”

The students who initially protested the Trump graffiti have reached out to the Spoke and are glad that the university is finally taking the issue of people with different opinions seriously. Jackson Framer, one of the leaders of the protest, was pleased that statements such as “I fundamentally, in good faith, disagree with your political stance and will be voting for a different candidate” would finally be treated just like spraypainted swastikas on a Jewish fraternity house.

“This isn’t about free speech,” Framer added. “Just as the vandal’s Trump-chalkings is free speech, a large chanting crowd demanding that a powerful institution condemn his opinion, track him down, and give him a firm spanking is also free speech.”

At press time, Ajay Nair had reportedly checked the tapes outside of the Woodruff Library, and found former Emory commencement speaker Ben Carson and Emory alumnus Newt Gingrich scribbling Pro-Trump statements in chalk, as they argued over who was promised the best cabinet position in the upcoming Trump administration.

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