Student in Zoom Class Doing Poor Job Masking Fact He is Masturbating

Sources confirm that sophomore Jordan Blumenthal, philosophy major, has been doing a surprisingly abysmal job concealing the fact that he is masturbating during his weekly 2:30 zoom class. Blumenthal, who sources have noted is a novice at utilizing zoom, affirmed this lack of experience by failing to pleasure himself without drawing attention.

“Kind of pathetic honestly. I don’t think he realized that when you make noise on a zoom call the camera focuses on you,” says junior Lea Waldenberg, sanitation engineering major, who, along with the rest of her class, was periodically subjected to her professor’s scheduled lecture cutting away to the image of Blumenthal’s heavy breathing and moaning.

Blumenthal, who has previously mistaken the “clap” reaction for the “raise hand” reaction, has reportedly had a difficult time transitioning to the online environment, and has struggled to find ways to stimulate his penis in privacy during his scheduled zoom lectures. 

“I understand that physics is a very erotic subject, but there is a time and place for everything,” says professor Thomas Asher. “This is a classic pattern of students becoming less motivated by the shift to an online format, and it worries me. I’m afraid soon I won’t be able to go five minutes into my regularly scheduled lecture without the sounds of men panting and occassionally whispering ‘oh fuck’ punctuating my online classroom.” 

Other students have asserted that Blumenthal’s problem is his own, and is not symptomatic of a growing sense of apathy in Emory’s student body. “He knows he can just disable audio and video right?” says sophomore Matthew Carrots, pyrotechnics major and self-professed classturbator. “Sometimes in chemistry class I’ll see two protons touching and that’ll remind me of boobs, so I just switch the video off, slap my sin salami, and just come back.” Many concur with Carrots’s assertion, including Phil Dorrin, mathematics professor. “I get that it’s a new software, but enough is enough. The amount of times I’ve had to do things like reprimanding couples in my classrooms for putting their gaping mouths to their cameras to virtually make out is absurd. Something needs to be done.”

 At the time of this article’s publishing, Emory has been circulating the possibility of adding a classturbation health course to the curriculum, teaching students how to neglect their studies in favor of sexual gratification in a safe, discreet manner.