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Sophomore Willy to Unveil New Identity, “William”


Pictured left to right: Willy, William (artist’s rendering).

Willy, a rising sophomore at Emory, announced a completely new identity today for the upcoming semester. His new identity, “William”, will begin on the first day of school, which means everyone has to call him William now. Along with the different name, Willy disclosed that,  “William is going to be much chiller than Willy, and also be smarter and in better shape”.

“I know William sounds like a mouthful,” Willy admitted, “but two weeks from now it’ll make sense when you realize how likable and attractive he is.”

Willy then proceeded to show William’s entirely new wardrobe, which ranged from muscle tanks to autumnal sweaters, and even included accessories like tortoiseshell glasses and several paperback Pynchon novels. Unlike Willy, who hates reading, William will love reading, and has been reading for so long he can only read the most difficult books now.

“Don’t worry,” Willy assured the public, “William will only talk about books if you mention books, reading, or anything that reminds him of a book. And that’s not all he talks about. He will also divert conversations to his Lullwater walks, concerts in Atlanta, and the latest insights gleaned from his sociology class.”

Willy noted that this will be a vast improvement from Willy’s conversations, which were mostly about girls, really hard tests, and negotiating for alcohol.

As if the new wardrobe and personality weren’t already enough to rocket “William” to the highest heights of popularity, Willy shocked everyone when he unveiled the pièce de résistance, William’s hot chiseled body.

“While this is only an artist’s rendering,” Willy said as he gestured toward his drawing of a naked William, “with two weeks of intensive crossfit, these abs, glutes and jawline will be very, very real. That’s right, just in time for the freshmen freeze weekend.”

After the announcement, Willy wasted no time beginning his metamorphosis into William. He deleted all photos on social media that could prove he used to be a freshmen, uploaded three photos from a day he went outside, and has already googled “wikihow crossfit”.

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