SAE Dunk Tank: Revenge of Hookups Past
The Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity coordinated a dunk tank philanthropy event during Wonderful Wednesday on April 19, 2017. This dunk tank was a noticeably last-minute attempt to raise the minimum amount of money required for their philanthropy in order to get SAE National headquarters off their ass.
Mike Patt, SAE’s Chair of Bro Advocacy, stated that he and his fraternity are “very passionate about their philanthropy,” and robotically recited their mission statement when called to answer what philanthropic endeavors the fraternity engaged in. “The mission of Sigma Alpha Epsilon is to promote the highest standards of friendship, scholarship, and service for our members based upon the ideals set forth by our Founders and as specifically enunciated in our creed.”
He clarified that by “creed,” he meant the timeless aphorism Fuck Bitches, Get Money, or FBGM.
SAE fully promoted their FBGM campaign through their philanthropic efforts at Wonderful Wednesday, providing a dunk tank to allow past-hookups to get out their anger on the particular bro who fucked them over. They have hooked up with the girls and now reap further benefits by raising money for a charitable cause.
“He’s such a fuccboi. Tbh this is the highlight of my week,” reported every girl who came by the dunk tank.
Chair of Saying “Bruh,” Brad Brown, reported that SAE had been preparing for this event all year by never texting girls back, engaging in many one night stands without using protection, and screenshotting nudes on Snapchat. Their yearlong efforts culminated with a release of anger for the average post-hookup angst.
“I asked him if he wore a condom and he said, ‘I got it, babe,’ and pulled out a Snickers wrapper! What the hell? It’s like he doesn’t even know how expensive Plan B is!” exclaimed Kyra Lockhart as she connected with the dunking mechanism. She gave Brown one last withering look before he rose to the surface of the water.
Brown says to contribute to the cause; he hooked up with seven girls at one of their parties and “promised” each girl that he’d text them in the morning. Months of avoiding eye contact, passive aggressive social media posts, and glares from their friends led up to this moment of each girl paying a few dollars to dunk him.
Brown reportedly did this “to help the kids.” When asked which kids, he said, “You know, the children.”