Everybody loves a good April Fools’ joke, right? Everybody except for two Roman soldiers who found themselves without a job after being tasked to guard a 33-year-old hippie from Bethlehem.
“I had already fallen for the old ‘Look, there’s a centaur right behind you!’ trick that morning, so I just knew that they were screwing with me,” said one of the guards who asked to keep his name anonymous (he will henceforth be known as Not Octavian for privacy reasons). He continued, “My supervisors pulled me aside when I clocked in and told me that the tomb was empty, so I brushed it off as them trying to pull a fast one on me.”
Not Octavian wasn’t the only one who was befuddled by this mistake. When first told about the incident, the second anonymous guard (who shall be known as Not Lucius son of Aggripa) was quoted as saying,
“On Jupiter, I know you aren’t trying to pull an April Fools’ prank on me. That’s why you’ve got zero maidens and your wife doesn’t leave the men’s bathhouse.” While this got some chuckles from the other legionaries, this joke didn’t stop after April 1st.
“I mean don’t get me wrong, I thought it was funny and I even played along with it at first,” stated Not Octavian. “But then they kept saying it the day after and I knew I was about to get crucified if my buddies ever heard about it.” Unfortunately for Not Octavian, the news ended up spreading much farther than his friends. And while the mortification would have been enough, the two soldiers also had to push back the heavy stone. We met them in the process of their labor, and the two didn’t seem to be too happy:
“Jesus Christ this is taking forever!” groaned Not Lucius son of Aggripa.
“Who in Hades is Jesus Christ?”
On a brighter note, the news wasn’t terrible for everyone. Simon or Peter (we never really understood which one it was) ended up cashing out on a ridiculous parlay from the incident. Some say that this is the luckiest winning since at least 10 A.D. Those who don’t say this are mostly confused as to what A.D. means.
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