Emory Trusts Woman as University President

ATLANTA, GA- After a tireless global search, the Emory Board of Trustees has announced that Claire E. Sterk will succeed the ever-hailed James Wagner as the 20th Emory University President and the first to be female. The trustees unanimously agreed that the previous provost and executive vice president for academic affairs was perfect for the role. Her era will commence September 1st.

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“Sterk is the man for the job,” said Trustees Board member and chair Tom Jorgan. “She has the leadership skills and the balls to get things done.”

           When asked whether the male-dominated board was concerned that Sterk will serve as the first female in such a role, Jorgan replied “We are not concerned in the slightest with her ability to lead.”

“Sterk is a seasoned leader. It was actually her age that made the decision so easy. As she is likely well into menopause, the University need not worry about in any potential lapses in judgment during certain times of the month,” he added with a wink.

Hailing from the Netherlands, Sterk represents a large portion of the Emory community with a rich cultural background and extensive experience in fields such as sociology, anthropology, and women’s, gender and sexuality studies.

“Here at Emory, we stand by our principles of diversity and equal opportunity which is why Sterk is a perfect fit,” said board member Michael Rice. “Her foreign heritage adds an exotic intrigue and mystery to her womanliness while representing minorities on campus, and she’s still old and white!”

           Without the risk of hormone-induced mood swings and with the knowledge that the fragility of any woman can at any time be easily overpowered by the dominance of a man regardless of position, the board is now focusing its efforts to creating an environment that will cater to Sterk’s special needs.

           “We’ve sent in subscriptions for women’s magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Southern Living, and Good Housekeeping to stock the office bathrooms, replaced all writing utensils with Bic Pens for Her, and implemented a more specific dress code to ensure consistent professionalism” said Rice. “We’ve updated everything, even the stationary, which will now feature a tasteful gold scalloped edge.”

           It has been reported that all letterhead from the desk of the University President will also be lightly scented with lavender to maintain a pleasant and non-threatening air.

    Unlike her predecessor James Wagner, Sterk actually has a home discipline in the University within the university. The board believes that her experience within the university culture will improve cooperation and communication between the faculty and the administration and will hopefully prevent further public embarrassment.

When asked whether he believed Sterk’s having a home discipline in the university would positively impact her work in the role, Trustees Board member John Hunter replied “Yes, I believe having a woman will improve the University’s understanding of home discipline. Sterk will surely provide a more domestic perspective, making Emory feel a bit more like home.” Hunter later admitted that he was somewhat confused as to the denotation of the term ‘home discipline.’

           Sterk is a welcome addition to the Emory family, as she will provide a nurturing and sensibility never previously possible in such an influential position. Come the fall of 2016, Sterk will make Emory University #herstory.

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