Point/Counterpoint: Professor Has Finally Crossed The Line

Concr
Concerned freshman John Stevens.

Point: Professor Has Finally Crossed The Line

Barely even halfway through this course, Professor Pinker walked in today sporting an erection and an indifference to said erection that suggested not pride, but outright hubris. I can not even take offense, as my mind is still processing the fact that it spent forty-five minutes of the day at crotch-level of an aroused Dr. Pinker.

For an entire class, I was forced to cope with the creased outline of a shaft and head on Dr. Pinker’s pleated khakis. For me it was involuntary, as I was sitting in the front row and Dr. Pinker not only stands for his lectures, but also walks around. The behemoth was in constant orbit around the classroom.

Yet I find it hard to believe Dr. Pinker had nothing at his disposal to stop the trauma. How he could have been oblivious to an erection of that scale is incomprehensible, and yet not only did he teach without so much as a podium between the class and his willis, but he also stretched his arms when he expressed important points. Students set their notebooks upright in a hopeless effort to break from its gaze.

Another mystery is the source of Dr. Pinker’s arousal, which seemed to only grow throughout the lecture on biodiversity in the Indian Ocean. Was it the five minute tangent on cuttlefish, or the powerpoint slides of phytoplankton? Only God knows, but I doubt any God could exist and sit on the sidelines as a phallus scarred twenty young adults who only signed up for a cursory exploration of the earth’s hydrosphere.

At one point in the lecture he paused and it was as if he was challenging the whole room. “Look at it class,” he appeared to silently demand, “behold my power.” It was sickening. I don’t know how he thinks he can get away with this, but I am never sitting in the front row again, you can be sure of that.

Dr. Pinker, Professor of Marine Biology
Dr. Pinker, Professor of Marine Biology.

Counterpoint: I Have Tenure Damnit

I have tenure, you little shits. Midterm is Wednesday.

 

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