“How The New Gym Layout Ruined My Relationship,” a commentary by Dan Lieberman

The day the layout of the WoodPec changed was a dark day. I remember it as though it were yesterday. Because it was yesterday, or something. Even so, all in a day’s time, I lost my girlfriend Amanda “Shallower than a Kiddie Pool” Markowitz, got ridiculed by her dumb friend, and pretty much became the laughing stock of the 7PM users of the entire 4th floor Woodpec.

It was the day after Christmas break. The second I stepped off the plane from Newark, I went straight to the gym cause, ya know, gotta beef up for the semester. It was a typical day until I laid my eyes on a tragedy of GDI proportions. I couldn’t believe it. All the treadmills and ellipticals looking down the length of the weight room. Able to observe my every move. “Shit,” I thought. “Now people are gonna see me checking out that smoking hot tri-delt Judith that does squats all day. Well… as long as I didn’t know anyone on the machines I’d be fine.” Right?

Well I was taking a break from benching an impressive twenty pound bar to sneak a peak of Judith (it was Yoga Pants Tuesday). Shortly after I restarted my benching, I saw the legs of some girl to the side of my neck. Struggling to put the twenty pound bar back on the rack, I heard the girl drone, “Uh… like are you kidding?” I looked up. It was Amanda towering over me. Next to her was a friend of hers, Becky—ugh…fucking Becky. “Uh, Dan are you checking out Judith’s ass? What the hell?” she said. “We are so over. Like literally. Can’t even right now.” Then Becky being Becky decided to yell out at maximum volume that I was a pig for “checking out that skank.” I mean Jesus Christ, Becky she’s not deaf.

This new “gym layout” destroys relationships, ruins lives. Had the ellipticals not been facing me benching, Amanda and her snout-nosed friend wouldn’t have seen me checking out Big Booty Judy. We’d still be together, her hair glistening in the twilight next to me as I ignore her and watch “Deadliest Catch” reruns, just like every Friday night.

All I’m asking is for Wagner to change the layout back to the way it was. So no others have to suffer, as I have suffered.