According to numerous sources within Dobbs Hall, Emory freshman and once-ardent conservative Toby Jenkins came out as a “bleeding heart liberal” on Thanksgiving, just in time to alienate parents and relatives eating dinner in front of their framed portrait of Ronald Reagan.
“I don’t think I have changed too much since entering college,” said Toby Jenkins, who routinely followed The Comical Conservative and The Blaze on facebook until arriving on campus in August. “Sure, I’ve come to despise our white, hetero-capitalist bourgeois overlords, but I feel like this kind awareness of world politics is making me a more well-rounded college student.”
Although Jenkins, president of his high school’s Young Republicans club, formerly raged against “the destruction of the moral fabric of this nation” caused by the welfare state, “race-baiters,” and low-income citizens using food stamps for Pillsbury ready-bake cookies, he can now be seen on campus at Black Lives Matter rallies, SAPA meetings, and other organizations dedicated to fighting the injustices of society.
“When I first met Toby, he was mid-rant about how hidden Satanic imagery in Spongebob Squarepants was going to send me to hell,” recalled hallmate Jessica Allard. “These days, Toby is much more careful about promoting a safe space, and just the other day mentioned how he didn’t plan to buy a Diwali ticket to avoid appropriating Indian culture.”
When reached for comment, Jenkin’s parents admitted that while they had not talked much to their son since his arrival at college, they were confident that Toby was teaching “the politically correct libtards of Emory the American way of life as set forth by the Bible and Fox News.” They had also expressed their excitement at the thought of Toby continuing the yearly tradition of reading selected passages from Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand before Thanksgiving dinner.
“I can’t wait for my parents to visit again,” said Jenkins. “I have found this really great small group for discussion on the social construction of masculinity that I want to introduce them to. And Thanksgiving was a great time- I invited my friend Demar from Emory Pride to share the meal with us. It was the perfect time to open up a dialogue about the colonialist narratives embedded within the American image of the pilgrims.”
At press time, Jenkins was applying a sticker reading “#FeeltheBern, Sanders 2016” to his laptop while drinking fair-trade organic coffee.