It was a sight to behold Friday night as upwards of six or seven Dobbs freshmen were out in force to shame starting point guard Tim Robbins after abandoning his native hall earlier that morning. Pitching up the jersey on a broom they had allegedly stolen from the supplies closet, the Dobbs IM basketball team “Steady Dobbin” were seen marching down Asbury Road yelling out obscenities including “Fuck you Tim!” “Burn that shit!” and “Let’s fucking go to Mags already!” When approached about why Tim left, Spoke reporter Mila Cooper was received with some emotionally charged words from intoxicated team captain Brian O’Riley.
“Umm, because he’s a fucking pussy? He thinks he can win a T-shirt over at Raoul, but how can they possibly win when their starting center gets out of class five minutes before the game starts? You tell me how!”
Back in the crowd two other former teammates could be seen attempting to light the yellow #69 Custom Ink jersey that the team had all ordered weeks ago. To their dismay, the limited edition Bic Snoop Dogg lighter wasn’t able to muster the flame to ignite the soft fabric. Given no other option, the teammates gathered around in an equally futile effort to rip the jersey apart, which concluded in leaving the stretched out cloth in bushes next to the freshman dorm.
“He better still pay us for this shit, there was a contract involved when we ordered them!” Said bench player and team jersey-coordinator Mike Martins. When pressed further about said contract, he replied, “it was implicit” and then felt urged to further stress the claim that “Tim Robbins is a pussy bitch.”
Later that night we were able to reach out to an equally intoxicated Tim Robbins at Maggies, who declined to comment anything other than “those nerds got on my computer and put me on the team,” and “I don’t even fucking live in Dobbs.”
At press time, everyone was drunk at Mags.
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