How To Hook Up in a Lofted Bed and Still Maintain Your Swag

You’re finally about to get some good use out of that hard blue mattress – your hookup is coming back to your place! Things are going smoothly until you find the light switch and – oh shit. You forgot that your bed was lofted. How are you supposed to get laid while staying swag?

Climb the Ladder

You aren’t about to let a few pesky steps get in between you and what’s-their-name, are you? Confidence is key for this one! Shimmy up the ladder, pants around your ankles, and pray that you don’t become “The Ladder One” when they discuss you with their friends tomorrow.

Use Your Chair

Maybe you paused a little too long and the jig is up. Luckily, you’ve got another surface in your room, and this one doesn’t involve climbing. Your Emory-provided desk chair will do just fine – other people have probably done way worse on it anyway.

Borrow Your Roommate’s Chair

Your chair has a pile of unfolded laundry on it, and you have no intention of ever putting it away. You see your roommate’s chair, and it’s blessedly, freakishly empty. Sure it’s a little weird, but what else could you possibly do, move your laundry? Besides, maybe your roommate will think of it as a sign of how close you are with them. Take the next step in your friendship. Have sex in their chair.

Stop, Drop, and Roll

Pull out the trusty, crusty ten-dollar Target throw blanket and the age-old “Hey, did you know sleeping on the ground is great for your back?” Pray that it doesn’t remind them of their dad on a camping trip. Or maybe hope it does – that’s your business.

If all else fails, accept that tonight’s not the night, and call your RA for the mallet. Maybe next week…