Upon first stepping foot on campus for their son Jake’s freshman orientation, parents Cindy and Stuart Marshall were thrilled at the vibrant, diverse community their little boy was entering. While they had hoped for their son to have a fulfilling, traditional college experience, they say that their hopes and dreams were extinguished by the realization that their son is a pussy.
Marshall’s parents indicated to Spoke reporters that Marshall’s Facebook pictures show an alarming lack of red solo cups, derogatory hand signs, funnels, hangover relievers, and bad decisions. His membership in SGA, Emory Ambassadors, RHA, and Pawsitive Outreach have only compounded the shame he has brought upon his family, sources confirmed.
As the weekends go by, his parents have continued their restless stalking of his Facebook profile, hoping and praying for some sign of their son wasted, high, or merely engaging with seemingly cool people, but it has been a fruitless effort.
“I’ve tried slipping things into his care packages to, you know, help push him along, like mini flasks, cigarette packs, edibles, the phone number of a few connects, the usual,” says Cindy, Marshall’s mother. “But he always just goes back to playing League of Legends or attending meetings for his Christian fellowship.”
“I don’t know how our pathetic son expects to find a job after graduation if he doesn’t refine these skills in college,” she continued.
Sources confirmed that although Jake has been occasionally spotted making small talk and drinking the occasional Keystone Light, even sometimes exceeding the AlcoholEDU recommended three drinks per night, he has yet to be seen chugging a handle of bottom shelf vodka or getting embarrassingly sick in public places while narrowly avoiding arrest for public intoxication.
“Naturally, Jake came home for spring break,” says Stuart, Marshall’s father. “Every morning I’d poke my head into his room, hoping and praying to find him on the floor unconscious next to some crushed pills and stolen construction equipment.”
“I mean, in college I could do a keg stand for breakfast and blaze a doobie for lunch,” Stuart continued. “Before 11 a.m, Jake can’t do anything harder than Honey Nut Cheerios.”
“I just wish our son would expand his horizons,” says Cindy.
At press time, Cindy and Stuart Marshall were found imbibing heavily at the local nightclub, taking body shots off of strippers and negotiating a fair price for experimental hallucinogens.
I don’t think that MY son – an undergraduate with a straight A average at Emory – is a “pussy,” as this article suggests. I just think that he is a homo and a dumbass.