In a press conference this past week, Emory University officials announced that all toilet paper currently being used on campus will be upgraded to a 60-grit sandpaper. After a survey showing student rectal satisfaction at a record low, followed by an anonymous whistleblower’s leak of Dean Forman’s secret supply of 2-ply Charmin, the student body’s reaction to the news was over-joyous. Within minutes of the announcement, all 7,200 undergrads gleefully congregated in Asbury Circle, linked arms, and squatted in a unified and multiracial group poop — the first in Emory’s history.
“It had reached a breaking point,” Senior Rebecca Crane told our Asbury correspondent. “I had to hold my poops whenever I was in the Math and Science Center because the chaffing (from the toilet paper) became life-threatening. Some semesters, I had to sit through 3 whole class periods back-to-back-to-back, my poop prairie dogging the whole time, praying to the James Wagner that if I could just make it through this one environmental science lecture, I would never drop tampons into library toilets again. My faith has finally been rewarded — Bless you, The James Wagners! Bless us, everyone!”
It was hard to find a dim spirit in Asbury Circle. Many students celebrated with one another, showering their peers with hugs and cheers while others were on their knees, thanking their respective deities for the divine gift, tears streaming down their face, overcome with gratitude.
“Anal fissures will, for the most part, be a thing of the past!” exclaimed Sophomore Kyle Gattis, tossing his tubes of A+D ointment above his head in a shower of soothing relief.
“If I pay $60,000 for my son to come here, I expect nothing but the highest level of quality and comfort for him,” explained Emory Mom Donna Maybloom from her Nissan Sentra. “Emory has shown that they really do care about my little Jerry’s asshole.”
“It’s such a change of pace. I’m so used to my friends telling me how Bill Nye came to talk at their school, or how their football team actually went undefeated. But now, all of them keep telling me how jealous they are that I get to wipe with industrial-grade sandpaper. Thanks, Emory.”
Within the hour of Emory’s announcement, CNN, FoxNews, MSNBC, and other major news outlets were already covering the breaking news. Local news vans peeled into Asbury Circle, colliding with celebrating students as they fought to be the first stations to broadcast live from the scene.
“Unprecedented. Monumental. I mean, no university has ever attempted a reformation in collegiate bathroom tissue policy at this magnitude, let alone at an institution as recognizable as Emory University,” Fox 5’s Vivica Matthews commented from a chokehold. “Throw everything you know out the window — This is going to change everything. Emory is not just revolutionizing higher education, they’re revolutionizing the way we live.”