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Freshman Spends Precious Moments on Earth Studying for Health 100 Midterm

warning signsThe Stacks – According to sources close to the student, freshman John Bollinger is reportedly spending valuable, unrecoverable hours of his life studying for Health 100’s new midterm.

Bollinger, like all humans, will eventually reach a time where he will cease all basic biological functions and no longer be a living organism capable of responding to external stimuli, but he has chosen to spend his fleeting waking moments on this earth memorizing the “Five Pillars of Health,” and the components of academic motivation.

“Flow is the synergy of challenge and ability,” Bollinger, a biological time bomb set to explode within the next seventy years, was heard saying.

Reporters described the scene as “traumatizing” and “horrific,” as Bollinger slowly scrolled through different worksheets and readings for his Health 100 class, despite his future, inescapable termination from this earth. Instead of traveling the world, connecting with others, or studying the great works of literature so that he might one day find ultimate meaning, Bollinger was said to be “reading notes about whatever the hell a ‘goal directed value exercise’ is.” As his studying continued, one witness on the scene said he could “almost feel [Bollinger’s] life just slipping away” as each tick of the clock brought the world closer and closer to Bollingers eventual demise.

“When nourishing my healthy mind platter,” Bollinger said during the physical peak of his insignificant life-span, “it’s important to have ‘Time-In’, as well as ‘Down-Time’.”

Emory University counselor and psychologist Jane Klepner told The Spoke, “this is one of the most severe cases of time-wasting bullshit that I’ve ever seen.” She added that “You’re talking about a kid who has maybe 20, 30 years ahead of him when you factor in climate change, and yet he is sitting on the seventh floor of the stacks studying for a fucking health midterm. I haven’t seen a case this bad since the grad student who spent his healthiest, most physically prime years studying medieval poetry.”

Jake Flechner, a friend of Bollinger’s, said that he had seen the early warning signs, but by didn’t think to act. “I should have known it was a cry for help when he told me he was actually doing the readings for class, but when he actually started to study? He’s a lost cause.”

At press time, Bollinger was reportedly watching the online videos for PACE 100, with every uninformative second hurtling him forward toward his eventual metaphysical obliteration.


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