The mood at Lullwater House was celebratory in the wake of the recent release of this year’s US News & World Report college rankings. “We’ve been worried about Emory’s rising rank for several years,” said President Claire E. Sterk. “It’s a relief that we’ve finally got that in check. We were actually going to have to start working if Emory’s rank got any higher.”
Sterk elaborated, “We can have the entire campus blocked off with blue fences and serve industrial slurry at the DUCling if we’re outside the top 20, but people have basic expectations for top 20 schools. Things like a campus that people can walk through and edible food. Obviously, those are nonstarters here.” Though Emory has remained outside the top 20 for now, Sterk plans to take steps to ensure that Emory falls a substantial distance from the 20 spot. As part of this effort President Sterk has brought in a ranking czar, D.E. Cline.
Cline described his plan, “The first thing we’re going to do is purge the chair and tenured professors from every department. We’ll send them to Siberia, or Oxford, or some other hellhole. Then as soon as the CLC is finished, we follow the plan and get rid of the DUCling. But then we tear down the CLC too. By doing so, we stop feeding the freshmen. Some of ‘em might starve to death, but we’ve got too many anyway. It’s worth it if we drop a few spots.”
When asked to comment about the next part of his plan, Cline said, “It’s a secret. But if you don’t like the blue fences blocking you from where you want to go, enjoy your dorms for now. That’s all I can say.” President Sterk’s goal is to move Emory from 21 to 30 by next year, though Cline has resolved to make sure that Emory falls off the list entirely by the end of this month.
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