“Why You Don’t Need Yik Yak, but I Need Extremehub.XXX” – Commentary by Ryan Haverman, Author of SGA Bill to Condemn Yik Yak

I’m sure you’ve heard over the past couple of days about a piece of legislation I’ve introduced in order to limit the social media platform “Yik Yak” on Emory’s wifi. Some people say that this censorship oversteps the bounds of SGA’s power, but to them I say: some things on the internet simply need to be banned for the greater good, and one of those things is Yik Yak. Extremehub.XXX and the hardcore fetish pornography contained within, however, is not.

“Ryan,” you might say, “how can you tell me that your intense and insatiable desire to see a dominatrix drip hot candle wax atop a chained submissive is more important than my need to anonymously berate ATO?”

Well, my dear friends, when you post a Yak about somebody, you run the risk of offending someone, of hurting their feelings. When I pull up a forty minute video titled “Without Oxygen, but Not Without Tentacles,” I’m not hurting anybody. In fact, there’s really only six things I’m affecting: the four caged individuals on screen who have fallen victim to the exploitative adult film industry, one octopus, and myself. For some reason I find this to be incredibly stimulating. It’s just who I am.

You might also think I’m overreacting, that Yik Yak doesn’t cause much harm. You’re wrong. Just last week, I watched a good friend of mine read the trending Yik Yak post “ZBT tn =sausagefest.” I subsequently witnessed him break down in tears as he slowly looked over his fraternity’s basement and realized that the night’s event was indeed a substantial aggregation of penis. Unlike Extremetube, which only hurts the gentle hands of those who draw my hentai, Yik Yak causes real pain, and I keep a small vial of his tears under my pillow now, just to remind me how important this fight really is.

There are some things in life we as individuals simply don’t have the ability to change. I don’t have the power to stop people from having sex with each other while fully covered in latex, filming it, and uploading it for my pleasure. I certainly can’t stop the mix of shame, arousal and satisfaction that perusing videos of sexually active grandmothers gives me. These things are out of my control. What I can do – no, what we can ALL do – is stop cyber bullying, and we can start with Yik Yak.

I could go on, but “Strap-on, Wax-off” just finished downloading.

Warmly,

-Ryan.