Exclusive Interview: The Spoke Sits Down With I’m Shmacked

beadfabf-d8c9-4fec-a713-59093fe92b10Word spread at the speed of a psychology major’s unemployment benefits last week when the college party film crew I’m Shmacked declared Emory a “top party school” and announced that they would be hosting a filmed party for Emory students. When asked about the upcoming event, most freshmen said they were looking forward to being able to brag to their friends back home by being pictured for 1-2 glorious, EDM-laced frames in the party’s highly-produced video. While some students complain that they will be unable to attend the event because it’s on a Tuesday night, most are simply glad to have an excuse to drink and break up the soul-crushing, four-day-long sobriety marathon between Sunday and Thursday.

At the end of the day, it seems only two questions remain: “Why did I’m Shmacked choose Emory?” and “Will being featured in this video come back to haunt me in my eventual campaign for the U.S presidency?” In order to try and find answers to these questions, we were able to meet with the man behind the decision in the Spoke’s downtown Atlanta offices.

After a few cups of tea, a laugh or two, and a brief moment of uncomfortable sexual tension, we were finally able to steer the conversation towards the organization’s decision to come to Emory.

“Why did you guys make the decision to come down to Emory?” I inquired.

“Well, we usually film parties at state schools. Recent market research, however, has shown that the average college teenager is no longer interested in seeing girls flash the camera as hundreds of people shotgun beers and drink liquor poured from balconies,” the representative  answered. “Today’s generation really just wants to see small groups of people standing in hallways, checking their phones and sipping on mixed drinks in red cups”.

“I’ve also heard great things about the student body” he continued. “That’s the thing about the people at a small dramatic-arts school: they really know how to throw down.”

“I think you may have us confused with Emerson College in Boston,” I replied.

Mr. Schmacked fidgeted in his seat a bit before checking Wikipedia on his iPhone.

“Shit,” he said.

When asked about event security, Mr. Shmacked indicated that he was actually able to hire a local company for the event. “Bouncers from a popular bar and grill near the campus will be heading the operation. I’ve been ensured that with this crack squad at the helm, absolutely nobody under 21 will be able to drink unless they’ve changed the date on their ID with a sharpie or they are a moderately attractive girl willing to hug the person at the door”.

Sensing that Agnes Scott students also have a proclivity for wasting $25, Mr. Shmacked then sent out a tweet calling the college, “the party school of all party schools.”

 

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