By Ronaldo Worthington,
Spoke Investigative Reporter
The academics at Emory have remained the same. The incoming class statistics have remained the same, even slightly less forged. The percentage of students from Long Island has remained the same, and Emory is home to more girls that have rejected me than any other college, so what explains the change in ranking? We here at the Spoke know that in this time of sadness the Emory community is craving answers, so we dug deeper.
After tireless research, we believe we have found the answer. In a clause that dates back to 1423 when King Henry VI established the US News & World Report ranking system in order to bring peace and order to the country’s many warring educational institutions, the following stipulation exists:
“And let it be known, that above all other criteria herein set forth, the existence of the Sigma Nu fraternity will lead to peace, happiness, and high rankings among institutions it graces with its presence”.
The correlation between Sigma Nu existing at Emory and Emory’s national rank was simply too strong to ignore, and comparative data only substantiated this conclusion. At Harvard, for instance, everyone in the faculty and student body is a member of Sigma Nu. At the University of Oxford in England, the oldest landmark is the school’s statue of Benjamin F. Sigmanu, the fraternity’s founding father.
Upon hearing this information, President Wagner issued the following plea to the members of Sigma Nu: “My dear friends, I know this past year has been filled with conflict. After a long period of reflection, I believe that we may have over-reacted in kicking you off campus. Honestly, eating a little dog food never killed anybody. I feed it to my dog, and I love my dog. The Emory community misses you. I miss you. Please come back”.
When asked if this extended to other fraternities, Wagner simply responded “No, fuck Phi Delt”.
Will Sigma Nu accept Wagner’s apology? Will they come back to campus and restore our ranking? Will I show up to my court appointment? Only time will tell.