Emory’s favorite (and only) dining hall, Dobbs Common Table, is closing only five years after its opening. Despite the daily stream of freshmen who have no other place to eat, the DCT is officially filing for bankruptcy as an act of economic terrorism has tanked the cafeteria’s income. What is this act of violence you ask? One rogue student brought their Starbucks Cream Cold Brew into the DCT.
Since its inception, the DCT has had a strict “no outside food or drink” policy for the betterment of the corporation (or something along those lines). Bodyguards with bulletproof armor are posted outside the cafeteria doing full body shakedowns and bag searches to ensure students don’t bring in the candy they bought at Eagle Emporium. When the anal cavity searches are inefficient, verbal abuse is usually enough to deter students from bringing in contraband items.
This week, while bodyguards were riddling out how to sign out the plastic to-go Tupperware to a student, they mistakenly turned their backs to the DCT entrance. Little did they know this action would be a trillion-dollar mistake.
The student, (who will be left unnamed) with enough malice in their heart to kill an infant child, used this moment of weakness in the DCT’s security to slip by and bring their outside drink inside. The moment he scanned his Emory card and walked through the threshold of the DCT’s border lines, the stock of the DCT instantly cratered, and shareholders were left in shambles. Future generations will study this event in the B-school on how not to run a company (and how to not make food, for any of those interested in the culinary arts).
“We tried warning them,” said a DCT worker, now scared of where their next meal would come from. When Emory Spoke suggested eating from the DCT, the worker ran away before responding.
The Spoke was also able to interview the DCT Treasurer, and they explained how everything went wrong.
“Well, just how flat soda streams out of the fountain machines, the money streams into our pocket each time someone uses the Coke Machines,” said Sir Dr. Archbishop Rev Baron St. Prof. Smadam Amith IV.
“When someone brings in Starbucks, it hurts our pockets and egos, because where would anyone want to spend their money besides the Dobbs Common Table?” said Amith. After this comment, he gave us puppy-dog eyes.
While another day goes by with the DCT in the gutter, Emory students everywhere wonder where they can begrudgingly force themselves to eat food. Is Twisted Taco the future of the economy?
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