Daytona Beach, FL—- Spirits fly high and rows of students stare in awe at the incredible guest speaker before them. “I never thought President Biden would take time out of his busy sleep schedule to visit the #6 ranked Southern regional university,” said Steven Rotor.
“Wh-where am…o-oh good morning Emory!” The crowd fell silent. Not only was it 2:34 pm, a rather inappropriate time to say good morning, but Joe Biden was, in fact, at Embry–Riddle Aeronautical University in Florida, a mere 445 miles from Emory University.
“My wife Jill recently spoke to scientists here about deadly cancers, and as the leader of this country, I could not be more proud of the medical breakthroughs this school produces,” he began. Murmurs passed through the crowd as if they were directed by the guy that stands outside and uses those two wands to direct the plane that you really want to wave out the window to even though you know he won’t wave back but you saw a TikTok where he did wave back once so you still believe. “The importance of all the pre-med students in the crowd cannot be understated,” he continued unflinchingly,“pre-meds, please raise your hand and let us congratulate you with a round of applause.”
The lack of outstretched hands did not stop President Biden from looking off to the side and shakily golf clapping for 2 minutes and 14 seconds. “I don’t know nothin about that doctor-stuff,” said Owen Fuselage. “I can name more parts of my plane than I can of my body.”
“Now, while my opponent has never failed to bankrupt a business, Goizueta never fails to impress me with their vast selection of clubs that only 3 of you will get accepted into–what was that?” Biden pushed a finger into his ear as if he were wearing an earpiece, despite the fact that the secret service agent whispering to him was directly next to him. It is unclear what exactly Biden and the agent spoke about; however, the phrases “what is Dooley” and “what do you mean I’m older than him” could be heard.
Biden then turned to the crowd very slowly (not that he can move any faster) and announced “Chocolate chocolate chip ice cream for everyone!” before choosing a random cardinal direction and walking that way until someone entered another location on his internal GPS.
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