Bullshit writer survived finals week by replicating success story from Disaster Artist
*Disaster Artist spoilers ahead but keep reading if you want, don’t be a chicken cheep cheep cheep cheep*
As spring semester finally starts after being delayed by *severe* weather, students are returning to campus invigorated with the power of half-hearted New Year’s resolutions. Hopefully, this reminder of last semester’s finals week shitshow will extend the lifetimes of these delusional pipe dreams.
Juliette Denny, a sophomore majoring in film studies with a concentration in Netflix binging, identifies with the group of students now trying to turn over a new leaf. During finals week, she had seen the Disaster Artist multiple times since it came out, but hadn’t started her term paper yet, and quite frankly, wasn’t concerned at all.
“The Disaster Artist ends with the idea that a sunglasses wearing Frankenstein-vampire hybrid with curly wet hair makes a movie (The Room) so bad that it’s good. If Tommy Wiseau could bullshit an awful melodramatic love tragedy into a meme worth millions of dollars, I can word vomit 15 pages on the significance of Alfred Hitchcock’s work,” Juliette between long pulls straight from a Franzia wine bag.
When asked about how exactly she was going to do several weeks worth of work in a few hours, Juliette just laughed and opened another box of wine. “Don’t plan too much, it may not turn out right.”
Half a bag of Sunset Blush later, Juliette finally decided to sit down and write the first draft of her paper, getting distracted every now and then by YouTube videos about The Room. “Did you know there’s a study that shows highly intelligent people are drawn to bad movies?” she asked. Armed with this obscure research article to support an academic ego bigger than her punctuation font size, she proceeded to ask all of her friends to critique her essay while violently refusing to accept any of their criticism.
Juliette replied to all of the suggestions on her Google Doc with weird passive aggressive retorts like “nobody respects my vision,” and “leave your stupid comments in your pocket,” and justified herself by claiming that everybody betrayed her.
“I mean come on, it sounded like she was playing word association instead of writing a paper. I was just trying to help her out, but people are people, and sometimes they just can’t see their own faults,” complained one of Juliette’s friends.
At press time, Juliette’s only comment on her paper last semester was “I don’t care. I do it.”
Highlights from the essay:
“Contrary to popular belief, Alfred Hitchcock’s films are kind of overhyped because movies are just people creating imaginary worlds to connect with other people’s deeper emotions, and filmmaking is kind of a narcissistic venture in and of itself because nothing we make will ever matter as we are all just minuscule pinpricks in the space time continuum, if we even exist at all. To BE, or not TO be, you feel me?
On the contrary, our time here is precious, so we should find significance within the insignificant, a sort of existential paradox, if you will. Perhaps if everyone loved each other, the world would be a much better place, but that would never happen because humans are naturally in a state of hopeless chaos, so scratch that. We should just have a great fucking time by eating as many Cheetos as we damn well please because that’s all we can control in this universe. But who am I to unravel the enigmas of the human mind? I’m just a student at a Top 21 University.”