SigChi mixer with APO turns into Eagle Row’s first AA

Last Friday night, service fraternity Alpha Phi Omega joined SigChi for their first annual mixer. For SigChi members, it was one of those rare nights they would remember.
APO organized the mixer following a SigChi brother’s recent hospitalization from alcohol poisoning. “I saw Brett David Stevenson-Carmichael unconscious on the ground, and I didn’t know what to do,” revealed an anonymous TriDelt. “I called an Uber to take him to the hospital right away!” Unfortunately, this was not the first case of dangerous alcohol consumption.
“SigChi brothers are infamous for their alcohol intake,” reported APO member Connie Cervative. “We’re not sure if they’re just total fucking lightweights or if they somehow failed that Alcohol.edu test and think a keg’s worth of vodka has the same effects as a keg of beer. Either way, we knew we had to use our big hearts and even bigger resumes to help.”
The mixer started with an icebreaker in which each fraternity member went around in a circle and said their names and how long they had been sober. Sophomore Nicolas Richardson-Benson III recalls telling the group that he’d been drinking since his 10:00AM lecture. He reported to be “extremely pissed” about not getting any chips from his response because he had just “fuckin’ inhaled a thicc joint” and was “hungrier than that [unintelligible snorting noises] hungry hungry hippo shit.”
After the fifth round of high fives to every member of the fraternity, the SigChi brothers were encouraged to further tell their life stories. Some personal histories were revealed to the group, including a neverending story of one brother’s first hookup that proved to be completely irrelevant to the AA session. Other meeting highlights included turning the twelve-step booklet into a drinking game and getting six APO brothers wasted for the first time.
“This Alpha Alpha meeting was the BEST PARTY I HAVE EVER BEEN TO,” slurred an intoxicated, anonymous APO brother interviewed three days after the attempted Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. “Thanks to SigChi, I don’t remember what it’s like to be sober!”