Emory Insists Refusal of Gender Care to Dooley Has Nothing To Do With Transphobia, Just Deep Hatred of Skeletons

Emory Healthcare finds itself in yet another controversy after denying gender affirming care to Dooley, beloved campus cadaver and transgender icon. Staff claim they can only provide hormones to “those with organs and skin,” showing shocking ignorance to higher-purpose beings who cannot be confined by meaty shells. 

Hospital representatives clarified that the refusal had “Nothing to do with gender identity,” but instead stemmed from the “Consensus that skeletons are teaching tools, not people.” Nurses elaborated that skeletons “Can’t qualify as full patients because they technically are medical equipment,” and that “Treating one would be like offering hormone therapy to a stethoscope.” These narratives blame the situation on a systematic hatred of the species, though the countless skeletons that have received bone-whitening procedures with ease suggests the bureaucracy has favorites. 

Halloweentown-based actress Jacqueline Skellington supported Dooley with her story; “Despite the constant singing and dancing forced upon me every Halloween, I was denied vocal feminization surgery for ‘lack of vocal cords.’ I’ve had to resort to ChatGPT to pitch my voice up in interviews, so now I’m getting cancelled,” Skellington said. These aren’t singular incidents; hundreds of transfemme skeletons have been denied pelvic bone widening due to harmful claims that “all skeletons are the same.” This directly affected our beloved mascot, who requested bone minimization surgery following denial of hormones. Dooley provided us with a statement via her entourage, claiming, “I always felt too big-boned. It’s bad enough they make me wear such a masculine top hat. The least they could do is let me fit into Lululemon leggings under my cloak, or a Skims nipple bra.”

Anti-skeleton extremists (self-identifying as the Flesh First Coalition) claim Dooley is leveraging this incident to cover up her own scandal, having recently faced backlash for forcing her entire student entourage to transition to women. This proved exceedingly difficult for pre-med bodyguards in lifelong contracts with Dooley to earn their souls back, thanks to a campus rule that no surgery may interrupt lecture hours, lab experiments, or the emotional well-being of the living. One bodyguard, however, managed to undergo the procedure mid-exam by performing it in a dissection lab and submitting the results as extra credit. 

An anonymous Flesh First member delivered this statement on the matter: “We don’t care about Dooley’s life choices, we just don’t want them being forced on the rest of us.” For once, that argument may have a point. When questioned about the morality of the forced transitions, the entourage assured us that “Dooley’s from a different generation.”

Emory Healthcare did offer Dooley discounted bone density scans for her troubles, urging her to “Be grateful for healthy bones instead of asking for hormones.” We have no updates on if this offer was accepted.