New Sustainability Program Introduces Bins Where You can Choose Which Ocean Your Trash Goes To

The Emory administration has just announced a major step forward in its sustainability initiatives on campus. 

Spearheaded by senior Abigail Miller, this program is set to replace waste bins separated by the category of trash with new bins that separate items by the ocean you want them to end up in. “I was just so sick of not knowing where my trash was going,” says Miller, a business major and environmental science minor, “When it comes to the environment, we are made to feel so powerless and it’s nice to finally have some control.” Miller, who will be working as ‘In-House Oil Spiller’ for McKinsey next fall, told reporters that ‘it feels good’ to have done her part.

The initiative gives students a wide range of choices – from the Atlantic to the Arctic and everywhere in between. 

“I choose Pacific,” Jake Guilford (Junior) gleefully told Spoke reporters “I’m from California and just wanted to feel closer to home. Like imagine I’m laying on the beach this summer and my libs sandwich container washes up on the shore. How freaking cool would that be!”

These policies have arisen as the university faces pressure from the federal government to roll back progressive practices on campus. “Blah – blah blah blah – blah blah,” commented Chancellor Fenves when asked to explain how this new program aligns with the principals of sustainability outlined by Emory. We have reason to believe this response might have been created using ChatGPT or another generative writing AI.

The Office of Sustainability is looking to expand this program: announcing a partnership with CHEMory that aims to allow students to decide which water reservoir in a low-income midwestern town they want to dump their lab byproducts in. They hope to institute the program by Fall 2027.