Emory Finally Replacing Multi-Purpose Rooms with Ballroom

With the success of the new and improved Cox Hall, the Emory administration is finally addressing one of the longest-held complaints of the student body: Why don’t we have a ballroom on campus? We hear it all the time with concerns such as, “Dude, where the FUCK are we gonna have the AEπ masquerade ball?” and, “there’s no candle-lit space here to do my annual exorcism.” Well, fear not valued readers, our cries have finally been heard! The project will break ground in 2026, and is planned to replace the dull, rat infested multipurpose rooms that we’ve been forced to inhabit like peasants for years. 

The project has a reported $300 million budget, which may sound like a lot, but it’s actually only 4,369,356 shares-worth of the Coca Cola company. So it’s fine. Emory is graciously sourcing funding for the project internally, with a goal of minimizing excess costs throughout the construction process. With these good intentions in mind, Emory will be eliminating all meal swipe plans starting in the spring semester. The costs associated with such plans will be reallocated to the construction of the Cherry Diet Woodruff Ballroom. The DCT will now sit behind a $20 pay wall per visit for ALL students, no longer discriminating against upperclassmen. This, of course, is a small price to pay for the cause.

The elimination of meal swipe plans serves multiple purposes, according to an official statement from Gohung Gree-Pesants, who will be heading the Inferiority Erasure Committee, a new office overseeing the process: 

“It’s the most logical source to pull our funding from. I see students every day using four, five, six meal swipes and frankly, I’m sick of it.  Meal swipes were good for a while, but where is the culture? Instead of scarfing down whatever they see, students will learn rationing, budgeting, and the value of class mobility while stepping out from the proletariat DCT into a gold-plated ballroom. Plus, the Red-40 wasted on DCT desserts will be an excellent pop of color for the ballroom walls.” 

This necessary sacrifice will become the emblem of the entrance to the ballroom: a plaque reading: Funded by hunger, Sustained by hope. For students who currently rely on meal swipes, Gree-Pesants insisted, you will not go ignored. The ballroom will include a copper staircase for those on financial aid.