If Congress Functioned Like SGA

(Update: Changed Raj’s quote at the end to reflect the actual quote & added video evidence to the caption.)

(This a satirized account of Monday’s SGA meeting. SGA ultimately passed a controversial budget bill that harms us, SPC, and more. You can read more about it here. Underlined sentences designate things that were expressed at the session (again, with satirical embellishment), though only two are direct quotes. Hover over them for more details.)

 

Speaker of the House Raj Patel: Ok, let’s get this session started. Also, hey, uh, if anyone wants Domino’s, it’s there in the back.

Speaker Patel: So, we’re going to vote on Ethics Chair David Kaplan’s bill. Or are you Budget Chair? I’m a co-sponsor, by the way.

Rep. Kaplan: Before we start, motion to recognize that [tippy title=”I have a job offer with Deloitte.”] Yep. He mentioned his job at Deloitte. [/tippy]

Speaker Patel: Who says yay?

(Motion passes unanimously, 435-0)

Speaker Patel: Motion passed unanimously. Deloitte is pretty legit. (But for real, could you hook me up?)

Rep. Kaplan: So, this bill is a [tippy title=”convergence of two very related issues.”] These two extremely interconnected issues  were 1) Hiring one SGA Finance Secretary and 2) Giving the incredibly competent SGA complete control over the previously protected budgets of SPC, Media Council (us), and more.[/tippy] On one hand, we need to hire an additional congressional secretary. On the other hand, we need to defund Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid nationally, effective immediately.

Rep. Kaplan: You see, this bill is important because we actually have the [tippy title=”fewest congressional secretaries in the world.”] Compared to Wash. U and Duke[/tippy] Sweden has 12 secretaries. Djibouti has like 8. We have 2. You can see that this is a serious issue.

(Rumblings of acknowledgement)

Rep. Kaplan: Moving on, you should pass this bill because [tippy title=”I’ve worked really, really hard on it.”]  Part of his intro argument. Make no mistake, he gets a gold star for effort. [/tippy] Like, imagine that training montage from Rocky II and multiply it times 23. But with a lot of sweaty writing and takeout ordering. If that doesn’t convince you – [tippy title=”I also have a wife,”] No clue why he mentioned this, but it was also a part of his argument. [/tippy] whom I’ve bravely neglected.

(Rep. from Illinois stands up, wipes visible tear from cheek and applauds)

Speaker Patel: Good argument. Let’s vote.

Rep. from Texas: (puts down Domino’s) Guys, shouldn’t we debate this first?

Speaker Patel: Shit. I guess. Okay, Rep. from New York, you can speak or whatever.

Rep. from New York: Rep. Kaplan, how are these things at all related and why are we making such drastic changes so quickly?

Rep. Kaplan: Magnificent question, New York. Again, these two issues really converged. We need to defund all social services to pay for this pivotal third secretary. We’re pretty much insolvent right now, and this is the only place we could get money within the two days I have before I leave for winter break in the Caymans. Too easy, am I right?

Rep. Kaplan: But the most important reason for passing the bill is this – [tippy title=”if we don’t pass it before Dec. 31st, then Social Security, Medicaid and Medicare wouldn’t be defunded until next year.”] Sounds strange? This arbitrary deadline was another core piece of his argument to get this thing passed. [/tippy] Think of the timetables, people.

Rep. from Georgia: I don’t even care for anything you’ve said, but I’ll vote for anything vaguely urgent. Let’s get this thing passed ASAP.

Rep. from Florida: I grew up in a libertarian cult commune and we did fine without Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. In fact, we burned social security checks for warmth. If it worked for a community of 35, why couldn’t it work for a country of over 300 million?

Speaker Patel: Hear, hear!

Rep. from Pennsylvania: As a person primarily concerned with my resumé and who won this seat in an incredibly unpopular election purely by having a name that appeared at the top of the ballot, I must say that I have some concerns.  Rep. Kaplan, could you please elaborate on your job at Deloitte?

Rep. Kaplan: Vote yes on the bill.

Rep. from Pennsylvania: Ok.

Rep. from Ohio: Look, I just don’t understand the opposition. [tippy title=”Like, every other citizen currently has to grovel on their knees for food and shelter”] Argued. Read: SGA currently controls every other Emory club. Why can’t you just bend over, SPC and others? [/tippy], why should those who benefit from entitlement be any different?

Rep. from Nevada: I’d like to point out that [tippy title=”there is nothing in the constitution”] an SGA constitutional scholar at the meeting told Media Council that they have no constitutional right to exist. We’re sure his LSAT score is off the charts [/tippy] that says we’re obligated to stop people from dying.

Rep. from Michigan: Rep. Kaplan, couldn’t we just vote to re-allocate the money needed to pay for this secretary’s salary from say, our operating budget, and leave out the whole defunding social services thing?

Rep. Kaplan: No. [tippy title=”That’s throwing the baby out with the bath water.”] Direct quote. Phrase used a half dozen times. We’re still not sure what he considered to be the “baby.” [/tippy] There is literally an infant trapped in a porcelain tub and let’s say, for metaphorical reasons, that drains have not yet been invented. Think of the secretaries. Think of Djibouti.

Rep. from Michigan: Okay, but what are you planning to do to help the millions of people who rely on these services?

Rep. Kaplan: [tippy title=”We haven’t figured that out yet, but we could discuss it quickly right now and I can just write it on the bill before the vote.”] It’ll be fun! It’s like legislative Mad Libs.[/tippy]

(Rep. Kaplan pauses)

Rep. Kaplan: Actually, motion to amend the bill. [tippy title=”Lets just create a committee that can figure out how the bill works after it’s been passed.”] Yep, it happened. [/tippy] Remember the timetable.

Speaker Patel: God dammit guys, I’m about to miss Monday Night Football. Who says yay?

(Amendment passes 401 – 23 – 1)

Rep. from Florida: Oh, I’ve gone and done it again – [tippy title=”I’ve turned my engraved name card into a beautiful paper swan.”] We can attest to its beauty. [/tippy] Shall we vote on the bill itself before I do the same to Ohio’s name card?

Rep. from Michigan: Hey, wait! This debate isn’t ov-

Speaker Patel: Like anyone cares. Voting time. Make Daddy Patel proud, guys. Who says yay?

(Bill passes, 432-2-1)

Speaker Patel: So proud. I could just pinch all of your cheeks. Except for you, Michigan. No cheek-pinching for you.

Rep. from Michigan: I don’t think the bill was even remotely constitutional.

Speaker Patel: You’re just mad.

Rep. from Michigan: Dude, section III explicitly calls for free speech restrictions. Ask anybody.

Speaker Patel: [tippy title=”Legal advice? I take my own.”] Direct quote. You can hear it at 4:00 of this Wheel recording [/tippy]

Rep. Kaplan: We made some big strides today. We passed a bill before an arbitrary deadline. We defunded some social services for no discernible reason. We didn’t toss an infant with the bathwater. Best of all, I’ll be long gone when this shit takes effect.