“You Can Hit Pedestrians Now,” Emory Transportation Department Announces

In a much-anticipated announcement this past Monday, Emory Transportation and Parking Services announced that drivers and cyclists are now permitted to hit pedestrians on campus grounds. This comes after several months of debate, including open hearings and 7 protests against the Transportation Services’ proposed changes. Pedestrians voiced concerns at these hearings, expressing fears they would “get run over like roadkill” and their corpses “would be left to rot on Dowman Drive.” Unswayed by the expressions of fear, the department went ahead with the motion.

 

“We believe this is a huge step in the future of campus transportation,” Senior Director Dan Hasty said in the announcement. “My drive to the Peavine Deck this morning was a whole thirty seconds faster after I ran over a touring high schooler.”

 

Hasty refused to comment on the health of the high schooler following the incident.

 

The new change comes as no surprise considering the continuous complaints about slow-walking students and even slower-walking tenured professors. The department relayed that this new policy would come alongside the removal of speed bumps and a speed limit increase, allowing cars to drive sixty-five miles per hour throughout the Atlanta campus. Data predictions declared that these changes would make a major difference in traffic, allowing drivers to move across the campus two minutes and thirty-seven seconds faster for each pedestrian they run over.

 

“I’m in favor of the changes,” a bus driver explained after our journalists dodged his attempts to run them over with his already blood-covered shuttle. “These kids are always jumping in front of the bus, claiming the school will pay their tuition if I hit them. Now my job is safe, nobody’s tuition is getting paid, and those kids are finally living in fear of me.”

 

Pedestrians have been forced to take drastic measures. Many students have taken to walking around in protective gear, including football helmets, bulletproof vests, and bubble wrap. Others have taken a more aggressive approach, slashing the tires of parked cars in order to stop drivers from making their way across campus. Emory Police announced that anyone caught damaging buses will be punished by being tied up and left in the road for drivers to run over.

 

With these policies in place, the department sees a bright future. They hope to sanction more improvements within the next six years, with the ultimate goal being an eighteen-lane superhighway connecting the Atlanta and Oxford campuses.