Alcohol-filled blood was spilled on Eagle Row this past weekend after a snap apparently depicting Jack Harlow “letting off steam” at GPhi spread faster than a case of mono. What initially started as a Fetty Wap-less concert by SPC quickly devolved into a stampede of students running to GPhi that knocked nearly ten horny freshmen unconscious. Witnesses claimed they saw at least five decent-looking guys in blue sweatshirts having their heart broken by drunk girls realizing they weren’t actually Jack Harlow after the concert.
A representative from GPhi clarified afterwards that it was all a simple misunderstanding. “We have guys that look like Jack Harlow come here all the time,” she said. “Most of them just smoke weed and don’t have millions of dollars.” The girl who sent the snap wanted to remain anonymous but commented that she didn’t regret her decision, claiming the money she got from horny students trying to enter the lodge was a great fundraising opportunity for GPhi.
The guy in the now-infamous snap said that he enjoyed the attention he got from the mix-up, currently going by the affectionate nickname “Mr. Kentucky Derpy” within GPhi. He also admitted that he started to practice slam poetry this week, in honor of that one moment in the concert when no one knew the lyrics and the entire field went quiet. While we can’t promise the creative endeavors of our Jack Harlow Drunk Lookalike will be good, we can guarantee that they, just like him, will be enjoyed more if you’re heavily inebriated.
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