Seeking the first positive Emory press in decades, Emory University is now requiring Greek organizations to pretend to adopt some of the school’s more PR-friendly initiatives, beginning with a nominal shift in the Fraternity names to reflect Emory’s commitment to sustainability.
The Emory fraternities will be placed under a transitionary period. From this point forward, they will be referred to as “FraterniTrees” in order to comply with Emory’s dedication to trying hard but not hard enough to look like a place where people care about things.
“We think this will bring everyone closer together and we’re deeply rooted in making a difference,” said the new Inter-FraterniTree Council President Brian Treener. “While the seeds for sustainable greek living had already been sown with the PBRecycle initiative, where we use the unsanitary water that comes in these beer cans to hydrate our school’s hydrangeas, but, we can always do more.”
“After this change, we expect to reap the fruits of our labor in the form of a blossoming rating to 18th, maybe even 17th!” stated a nervous, polo-wearing Emory administrator.
The announcement has had mixed reviews in the greek community. “Whatever, as long as we still have Kappa mixers,” said a representative from ZBTree. A representative from ATOak said that the fraternity was concerned about the new threat of social probation if parties did not include at least one ceremonial tree-planting. Kappa Sycamore has express unanimous support for the measure, while other organizations, including SAEucalypts, Kappa Sycamore, AEPine, Sig Chiniferous, Sigma New Zealand Mountain Pine, communicated negative sentiments. The representative from Bonsai Theta Pine declined to comment.
The IFC issued a statement saying they will only continue to mix with sorority women who hold the environment in similarly high regards. Like most IFC dictates, the Spoke expects this to be obeyed to the letter.