Asserting that they’ve never seen a case this severe, doctors confirmed today that local freshman Jessica Schpoonerman has suffered an aneurysm after thinking about Theta too hard. “We’ve had a few cases like this around recruitment season, but yeah this one’s pretty bad,” EMS respondent Jack Joffreyhall says. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single person think this much about a sorority. She might not be able to think about anything else at this point.”
Students were reportedly taken aback but unsurprised. “The second she stood up and shouted, ‘hey professor, are you thinking what I’m thinking?!’ in the middle of our QTM class, I had a feeling I knew what was gonna happen next,” student Dani Daniels said. She then reportedly started making that “weird vagina hand sign,” and shouted “thought Theta! Thought right!” repeatedly. “I mean I thought she was just excited to get a bid there or something, but that’s when I noticed she’d been shouting for like eight whole minutes without stopping.”
The professor, who had previously chalked this incident up to a display of over-enthusiasm, became concerned, asking Schpoonerman if she was alright, to which she responded by projectile vomiting in his face, gurgling out the phrase “timeless through all sorrows,” before tripping and falling off her desk. EPD rushed to the scene, loading Schpoonerman onto a stretcher and taking her to Emory hospital. Her last words before falling into unconsciousness were reportedly “OMG I’m like SO obsessed.” Fortunately, Schpoonerman is expected to make a full recovery, but doctors are warning everyone to be on alert this time of the semester for ‘sorority derangement syndrome.’ “If someone you know has been talking excessively about ‘just how much she loves her SDTsters’ or won’t stop talking about how she’s ‘finally found her pride’ don’t be afraid to speak up. You might be saving a life, be that a young woman who’s been thinking Theta too hard, or someone who thinks their Pi Phi wings are real, actual wings.”
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