Student election officials announced Thursday morning that Aaron Althusser had won the SGA presidential election with 73% of the vote, despite a high-profile corruption scandal. Allegations of embezzlement, bribery, and narco trafficking have surrounded the Althusser campaign since its beginning, but his stump speech Monday helped him rebound in the polls.
Althusser’s representatives agree that his “humanizing, apologetic refusal to be sorry” on Monday was the swing-factor in the election, and following his swearing-in, Althusser “is ready to embrace his presidential duties in the most not-opaque way.”
While the Althusser team hit Tin Lizzy’s to celebrate the exact moment in college they peaked, others in the Emory community found reason to celebrate as well. The pivotal 30 students who cared about the SGA elections were seen rejoicing all over Emory’s campus, from the DUC all the way to the SAAC. Cries of “First SGA, then Deloitte’s human capital division,” were heard throughout the area.
Joining in their glee was Ben van Beurden, Royal Dutch Shell Company CEO, who tweeted later in the night, “Today goes down as an illustrious day in the history of Emory University @Althusser @TinLizzy #drillbaedrill”.
In an early Thursday-morning announcement to investors, the Royal Dutch Shell company announced that it would begin intensive fracking on Emory’s Oxford Campus in the first fiscal quarter of 2015. Emory officials have advised returning and new Oxford students to pack ear protection and bottled water.
Notably absent from the Tin Lizzy was roommate of the competing SGA presidential candidate, who was allowed anonymity to protect his club’s SGA funding. “Althusser doesn’t fully understands the extreme implications and responsibilities that the SGA President has, it’s not just about getting a job at Deloitte.” the roommate told reporters, “It’s also a lot of helping your best friend get a different, equally paying job at Deloitte.”
Dr. Joseph Michelson, election specialist in the political science department, was not surprised by the election’s result. Using advanced data modeling technology, Michelson was able to predict the victory months in advance.
“Just as my algorithm had predicted, only a goddamn loser would read the list of names to the end,” he said. “And Aaron Althusser was the first name on the list.”
“The system works,” he continued, “Please hire me, Harvard.”
At press time, Althusser settled in to his position as SGA President-Elect in the same way that all of his predecessors had – by editing his resume and adding his new position.
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