Sigma Nu Brothers, Alumni, and members of the Emory campus community, it is with great regret that I must write to announce that we, the Sigma Nu fraternity, will be barred from campus for the next five years. Our actions have reflected poorly on this university and on ourselves.
As members of the community continue to react to my Fraternity’s alleged misdeeds, we as a campus community would be remiss to ignore the bigger, much more dangerous issue at hand: America’s rising, unsustainable national debt.
Yes, we as a brotherhood have made mistakes, but can a few instances of hazing really compare to the downward spiral of the US economy? Look, as it stands, this once great nation is 17 trillion dollars in the hole. In the grand scheme of things, America is looking a hell of a lot worse than our pledges looked after that alleged vodka and vinegar funnel.
Let’s all just take a step back and think about this rationally. Maybe if new members of congress were made to bond by getting drunkenly, ahem, tussled up by our very own Pledgemaster Eric, this once great nation would stop needing to raise the debt ceiling every few months. I can say from personal experience that nothing says fiscal responsibility more than desperately trying to avoid drinking Brother Danny’s infamous moonshine.
Now, we at Sig Nu know that destruction of the economy at the hands of our government doesn’t excuse our actions. We aren’t asking for forgiveness. However, much like how the American people are asking for governmental austerity, we’re just asking for a little perspective.
We at Sigma Nu are looking forward to return to this campus in five years. The only question is, will America as we know it still be around?