Battle for Asbury Circle Continues to Rage as Pre-Meds and B School Take Up Arms

The hot afternoon sun has risen over Emory University. In the distance, chanting can be heard from the Bio Bridge as hundreds of pre-meds in scrubs bang their clipboard shields, marching towards the neutral grounds of Asbury Circle.

 

“They were yelling something about how ‘there could only be one.’ I was too tired to give a shit, and I went back to bed,” a disgruntled Eagle Hall resident said. 

At the same time, Goizueta students had assembled in front of the B-School, similarly charging toward Asbury while wielding shurikens made from their resumes. Their armor? Well-tailored suits.

“Even if we don’t win, at least we’ll get our resumes in front of some more eyes,” a wild-eyed Goizueta sophomore stated. 

The two groups reportedly first came into conflict when a pre-med student was overheard asserting that their course load was “way more fucking intense” than any schedule from a business major. In retaliation, students from the business school reminded the public that they were now STEM majors and immediately sent a calendar invite for war.

Both forces clashed at 1:34 p.m. since neither battalion was able to wake up sooner due to the District event the night prior.

“I’ve never seen such vicious carnage,” a bystander told reporters. “But every time someone fell, the pre-meds pulled out first-aid kits and started taking pictures of each other resuscitating the wounded.” 

“This’ll make a great AMCAS essay,” a pre-med told reporters while holding up a selfie of himself suturing a wounded student. 

 

The 30 minutes of violent battle came to a close when a loudspeaker announced the arrival of a Bain recruiter, causing the Goizueta students to scatter in search of business professional clothing. In stark contrast, the pre-meds promptly hurried to their labs to make sure their cell cultures didn’t die during the short war. 

“Research is pretty demanding,” one told reporters as he put on PPE. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand that. I sleep in my lab. I work out in my lab. But never eat. That’s a breach of protocol.”

Indeed, Emory may never understand what occurred during the fateful Battle for Asbury Circle. We can only hope that this conflict will remain buried for another 3-5 business days.