Dear Dooley,
So, about a month ago I got an unlocked refurbished iPhone off of eBay for a good buckaroo. Unfortunately, the only people STUPID enough to give you a deal like that are the Canadians–it gets worse. This particular hoser happened to be one of the French ones, so the phone was in French. Now, with my Amish upbringing– shoot, I guess you’ll be able to identify me as this year’s recipient of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Scholarship for Punking the Amish, not to flex or anything – I don’t have the know-how to change my phone from French. And now when I send an email on my phone it says “Telechargez sur iPhone.” So one day recently, one of my professors stops me after class and says, “Tu parles le Français?” and I said, “Oui” and they were so impressed. Everyone avoids the French department like the plague so now I have an honorary degree in French studies??
Fast forward to my entry-level job at Hal’s Hot Dogs LLC. I think I’m overqualified but it’s actually my dream job and I’m perfectly qualified, actually. I’ve been TRAINING for this. I can grab the hot dogs out of the boiling water with my BARE HANDS which isn’t even a health code violation because my hands grow a new skin every day from all of the boiling water. It’s like reverse medical gloves. It’s the old skin that gets you sick. New skin is clean. Do you know who has new skin and is never sick?? Babies! And if a baby miraculously gets sick, they die, and my hands definitely haven’t died yet. I mean, my girlfriend broke up with me because she says she “doesn’t even know who I am anymore.” I knew that c-word… I’ll say it, CRAZYHEAD, I knew that CRAZYHEAD only wanted me for the hot dog money (and the hot dog musk… if you know you know).
So now I’m on the ol’ apps to try and get back out there and I’m showing this girl a video of Joey Chesnut’s first win because you don’t know the real me until you know Joey. Just his technique is insane, it’s inspiring really. Anyways, she was like “omg is your phone in French hon hon hon,” and I said NO THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING. IT RUINED MY LIFE. And now I can’t go to Denny’s anymore because they said “inside voices” and I said, “THIS IS MY VOICE, AND I’M INSIDE. YOU DON’T KNOW MY SITUATION. I’VE BEEN MALIGNED BY THE FRENCH”.
So my main question now is, can there be a loving God after such tragedy?
Love, REDACTED (Denny’s court case still pending)
Dear Hotdogless Hervé,
Love, Dooley
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